Going crazy once again....

hi ladies,

not sure if this is a question or rant or what.... but had to get it out!!

Im less then a week away from a check up with my team and I'm going absolutely insane with worry that it's back. 

its like on one shoulder is this logical voice telling me it's ok, this voice seems to make up excuse for every niggle or pain(sore feet-you are tired or walked too much or slept funny:pain in legs-forgot to stretch or sat to long:funny feeling in tailbone-need to rest more) 

then on the other shoulder is this horrible voice whom I try sooo hard to ignore but cannot diminish saying it's back. This is the voice that makes me question everything. The most recent question of why after almost a year am I feeling new symptoms. I felt better after 3 months then after a year! 

I really am starting to freak out as things seem to be changing. The pain in my feet seems to be a bit better after changing my time I take my meds but pain in the back of my legs especially after going to the bathroom and sitting there only for a short time. My bowels seem to ok one day and not great the next. I still have the occasional blood in my stool but it hasn't gotten worse or better. I have this new pressure like feeling or tingling feeling on either side of my tailbone that seems worse when I lay down. Only good thing is I have not lost any weight. Aaahhhhh I hate this crap! I'm not sure if these issues have arised because I have an appointment or if this is all new issues from the chemorad or if these changes are a sign it's back......

Anyways, of you got this far then thank you for listening....

i hope you all are well. 


Hi Lolli

I am in the same boat as you! I am also less than a week away from a check up and I am freaking out, my anxiety is at an all time new level. 

Like you, I have new sypmtoms (9 months since treatment ended) that seem to increase - mainly small back pains and niggles, and I also get random pains in my legs which I think may be lymphodema? My bowels are also up and down, and I have a constant feeling of pressure and swolleness? in my vaginal region (however I have had this since treatment ended and had check ups since then). 

It's horrible because I tell myself that many of us have these new sensations and niggles etc, but then I think "omg it must be back". Also, I have lost a lot of weight recently, however, it may just be my body returning to it's prebaby weight. 

I am so scared too! I really hate dealing with this anxiety. It makes me feel so sick in the stomach - actually I think that's maybe why I've lost so much weight - anxiety. 

Sorry if my reply hasn't helped you much, but at least we are in this together. Let's keep each other posted. Will be thinking of you too Lolli!!!

All my love.


Rosanna x

Hi ladies ,

I am also in the same boat.trying to think that everything is fine but i fail. I will have my smear next week and my ultrasound - chest x ray the week following the next. Its been 5 months from the rh ,3 months from chemoradiation ended.

My heart with you , 

Hope we all get good results,


Ladies,I hear you! I was the same for two weeks before my check up on Monday. I was a total mess,suicidal at sone points. Every niggle magnified one million times. They have all but gone since seeing my oncologist on Monday who assured me everything is fine. Hang in there,you know how this goes. To be honest,I made myself ill with the worry,and even after the good news I felt worse for a whole day. Feeling sick and dizzy and just awful. Its just been the mix of emotions,it hits hard. Lolli,the tailbone thing I get as well,Its just radiation damage. I have become lactose intolerant due to treatment,no biggie, it may sort itself and it may not. Small price to pay eh? Good luck with your appointments,not that you will need it xxx

I too am feeling aprehensive for my 1st post treatment MRI next week, good luck everyone x


This is so hard sometimes and it's so nice to come on here and to be able to express this as I find it difficult to tell my hubby as I'm scared to send him into a panic as well. I'm grateful for Jo's in many ways!

im also glad I'm not alone in this as it does reassure me that some of you are having the same issues even though some are new or old. 

I love you all!!

hi Lolli

remember that amazing advice you give everyone well its time to take your own advice 

when i get a pain i havent had before i ask myself this question 

now if i wasnt pallative or like yourself NED would you have had that pain the answer to that one is yes its just it scares you more having been diagnosed 

my husband often gets short sharp pains and it makes me think that when i get them i worry but if i hadnt been diagnosed with cancer and i had that short sharp pain i wouldnt give it a second thought 

i have a scan today and im the same i bet if i get good results them pains will remarkably dissapear well not realy as most are down to radiotherapy but i bet they wont be as painfull 

its an emotional rollercoaster that we are all on 

hope all you ladies get good results 

onwards and upwards 

love michelle xx


Good luck at your next check up Lolli. I am now 2.5 years down the road and I can actually say that it is getting easier to go to appointments. I don't have scans anymore, but just walking into the hospital makes me less anxious than before. I still get new symptoms and put it down to the radiotherapy mostly as well as Lymphodoema ( mild and well controlled) but I can now allow myself to hope that I have beaten this thing for good. Hope you and all the other wonderful ladies get there soon too. X

Hi Michelle and Rachel 

thank you for the support, it trully does help. 

Funny thing is this...... if I take a break from thinking about cancer and just totally block it out of my mind(I can really trully do this) but...,it can only be done for a short time, like a week or so...then, it just suddenly hits me when I'm at my weakest. Maybe tired or overwhelmed with work or kids. And.. when it hits me I feel like I'm starting this process mentally all over again. If I let cancer be apart of my daily thoughts the challenges of bad thoughts are easier to overcome. I can deal with these anxieties more easily and I'm not scared. 

it like a monster in the closet type thing.... if you pretend it's not there and you hear a noise you so frightened cause you know there's a monster in there... but if you leave the door open the monster is not so scary, he is still there but you just keep an eye on him, he is still scary but you learn to live with him  

Now, I am far from a physiologist but this has to mean that I'm removing myself from feeling the fears as long as I allow myself to think about it daily. I suppose this journey has many aspects to the mental part. For now..... 

i will once again keep my fingers crossed and not go and pretend cancer isn't apart of my life I will allow myself to think about it as then my mind will not loose focus on logic and probabilities and can keep my emotions from being blindsided. 

Again, I'm thinking out loud. Lol 

stupid fricken monster

i will let you all know how my appointment goes Monday. 

Hi lolli

Random pains over here too...right leg has now been tingling and achy for over 2 weeks...ive convinced myself its back it's a horrible place to be when every niggle or ache equats to cancer :(( I'm 17 months out of treatment and feeling more pains and aches now too!! My foot aches too and sometimes has a shooting pain through it!! I've got a 3 month app coming up next week too and anxiety is building!!:( I'm scared of the monster too!! Good luck with your check up fingers x all is good xx 

It is so good to hear from many of you... that we are going through similar ups and downs. Similar symptoms too. Ah what tricks our minds can also play on us  

Seems like a lot of us have appointments coming up too! 

Brucegirl... so fantastic your last check up was all good!!! yay! 

Love to you all 

Rosie xx


Hi Lolli,


I'm scared too. I am 38 yo and just my treatment for stage 3B cervical on 23rd May. I had cisplatin chemoradiation. With 5 haemostatic doses, 25 external beam and 5 paraaortic boost then had 50 hours of pulse dose brachytherapy now waiting til October for next pet scan to see it's effect. I am struggling the figure out what are normal now for my body or not. I have pelvic pain now, some boney aches in ribs and back and onset of menopause with hot flushes, stricture and dryness. I still have some Urinary and bowel issues. I don't trust my body anymore to let me know what's going on.


I find it hard not to occasionally lose out to the fear.


Goodluck Lolli. I hope all goes well for you.