On the 10th of Jan I had a radical hysterectomy, lymph node biopsy and bits of bladder and colon removed. I have never been so scared and am glad it is done. My lymph nodes have come back clear which is fantastic.
I am so pleased everything has gone as planned so far but emotionally I'm not sure how I am doing, It never leaves my mind and I cant seem to focus on anything. People around me act like it is very black and white. I had surgery, it's gone, end of, i should be happy. Don't get me wrong I am happy I'm just emotional and confused. Has anyone else felt like this after?
I know *exactly* what you mean. I had a radical hysterectomy because of adenocarcinoma cc on 1st November. My histology results came back and I got the all-clear - best possible, outcome, obviously. I'm going to be completely honest with you - I was, of course, very relieved. I was also very frightened because I knew that everyone would expect me to be happy, and actually, it was much more complicated than that. The fact that I had cancer hadn't sunk in yet, let alone the fact that I didn't have cancer anymore!! I suspect your diagnosis and treatment happened so quickly that you didn't have time to properly process what's happened to you. Yes, of course, it's wonderful that you got good news, but that doesn't mean there isn't a great deal of grief and loss involved in what you've gone through. And it's certainly the case that there will be a lot of people who don't understand - it's not because they don't care and in fact the reason everyone around you is so happy is because of how much they do care, they desperately wanted you to be ok and they are thrilled that you are because they love you. But when it comes down to it they are not the ones who have had cancer in their body, they are not the ones who have been through the surgery that you and I have been through - which involves a great deal of loss - and they are not the ones now having to come to terms with a threat to their life. You can't expect to 'get back to normal' just because you've had a positive result - you might not even know what 'normal' is anymore and need time to let yourself find your new normal. Some people may expect you to be happy - let them expect that, that's up to them - you are entitled to feel however you feel and actually. recovering from cancer and coming to terms with it is very very hard and in my experience, much more complicated than the feelings I had when I was actually ill - not black and white at all. You're likely to be emotional for some time and you only had your op a few weeks ago - this is very early days. No one can understand completely how it feels for you to have cervical cancer, because no one else is you, but other people who have been through it (like me!) tend to understand more than other people do and are less surprised by your feelings, so do keep coming back.
Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself - you deserve it. :-)
Thank you Annabel. I read your comment nodding the whole time! I have talked to my nurse today at my check-up and expressed some of these feelings I have and she was very helpful. I need to be patient with myself and take it day by day.
Thank you again for responding and congrats on your good news :)
I keep trying to find the new normal...... 14 months later and I still spontaneously cry at the shock of being diagnosed then the surgery then I'm fine I should be happy mentality........just because we're free from cancer doesn't mean we're free of the mental and emotional trauma. Along road still to travel.xx
