today I have my first ever smear test scheduled. I am absolutely terrified. I'm about to turn 30 and recently, it's been on my mind because of 'symptoms' and a feeling that something is wrong. I forced myself to bite the bullet and book my screening at least to be done before I hit the big 3-0.
I'm an incredibly anxious person, when I turned 25 I was suffering infertility issues and investigations, it turned out to be endometriosis (which causes pelvic pain as a symptom) and at the time, it was just one more invasive procedure that my anxiety couldn't cope with. I was lucky enough to conceive my daughter after my Endo diagnosis, and with a young child I just never seemed to find the time to get round to booking my smear :( now I feel like a complete idiot because my delay tactics that im using infertility & having my daughter as an excuse for could potentially mean my daughter wouldn't grow up with her mum around.
since I booked the test, I have worsening pelvic pain, and also lower back pain. I feel as though every time I go to the loo im going to be bleeding (I haven't had any abnormal bleeding) but I'm terrified that what ive been passing off as Endo could in fact be something more sinister. Or is it just my anxiety making me think every pain is worse? I'm also berating myself for not going to my smear! I'm also terrified that this afternoon the nurse will have a go for not going sooner, see 'something' sinister on my cervix, that I'll hurt or bleed afterwards which will make me worry even more if that's possible, and of course the dreaded wait to get the results.
I've been too scared recently to have sex with my husband, this is how anxious I am that something is wrong. I have told him this and he is my absolute rock, I couldn't ask for a more understanding man. He is very reassuring and calming, but when he's not around I panic more and I just don't know how to cope with the test this afternoon and the next 2 weeks wait. Let alone that letter landing and opening it for my results.
I'm sorry to ramble, thank you for reading. I just wanted to get this out there.