Its been a while since I have been on the forum, so for those who don't know me I am now 3 years post diagnosis (god that feels weird to say), this time 3 years ago I began Chemo (taxol) radiation treatment so I suppose that makes me 2 1/2 years all clear. My dear friend Sarah who I met through Jos sadly passed away this March after a reoccurance and I suppose I am missing her more recently. I had my CT scan yesterday as part of my check up and had to go on my own, but that didn't bother me as much as the fact that its my first check up without my buddy. I missed her so much yesterday because our check ups were always in sync and much to our doctors torment we were always comparing notes. Our friendship was very independent from any other relationships we each had so none of my family or friends got to know her and how amazing she was and I suppose I am scared. I'm scared at every check up they are going to tell me its back, and it just seems the more I try to move forward with my life, the harder each check up becomes. I have adjusted to my "new normal" and actually life is better than it was before but yesterday and today well, I just feel sad. Sad that me and Sarah aren't having another all clear celebration drinking too much presecco together like we did before.