I'm new here, just wanted to talk to someone about how I am feeling following my LLETZ procedure yesterday.
After having an abnormal smear 18 months ago, I've had 3 biopsies which showed CIN 2 getting progressively worse. So yesterday I was booked in for a LLETZ procedure. When I got the letter about the treatment I actually felt more relief than anything, thinking "well if there is a risk, I need the cells removed". My only fear really was fertility, as I am 34 and single and want to have a baby soon, so to be honest that's just a general fear of mine every day really!
Anyway, my mum was out of the country during my treatment and various friends offered to come with me, in the end my sister came with me. I didn't - honestly- give the procedure any thought beforehand. I just thought it would be like the biopsies. Anyway, lets just say I wasn't prepared for it and mine wasn't straightforward, there were some complications (but everyone is different, so don't read too much into that). Afterwards I was very light headed and tearful.
My sister took me to the pub across the road, which was fine, but I wanted to go home and I told her that. I paid for a taxi and went to bed. I just sat there for hours, feeling like I'd been hit by a train. Its the only way I can describe it. I couldn't stop crying. Please note this is not for the pain, which was fine, just cramping which eased with ibuprofen. I don't want to worry anyone. It was just pure emotions. And my sister was useless, telling me to get up and go out and that I wasn't "ill", that it was over now and I should stop thinking about it. I was also bleeding A LOT at this point and didn't want to move. She didn't even make me a cup of tea. I have no idea about why she reacted like this, other than she is quite squeamish and not very good with physical problems. All I wanted was to be told I'd been brave and to feel looked after. Instead I felt stupid for my reactions.
Over the course of last night and today though I have felt the same. I feel this huge sense of my 'reproductive self' and my body being somehow broken, and I feel almost traumatised. I have literally, only now, thought about the results and how close I could have been to cancer. Or might still be. I have only now thought about what the process involved and how vulnerable you feel throughout it and how I maybe should have chosen a better support buddy. I feel so alone right now, and scared. I am kind of angry. I have only ever slept with one man, who must have given me HPV, and he left me 3.5 years ago and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I am angry with him for this. Even though I know that's not how it works. But most of all I feel like I want to know this is OK to feel so broken afterwards. I tend to be quite emotional anyway. Is this shock?
I'm also still bleeding so feel quite weak. I am sorry to blurt all this out in my first post but I hope someone can give some advice.