Feeling emotional after LLETZ

Cervical screening results
1

Hi everyone, 

I'm new here, just wanted to talk to someone about how I am feeling following my LLETZ procedure yesterday. 

 

After having an abnormal smear 18 months ago, I've had 3 biopsies which showed CIN 2 getting progressively worse. So yesterday I was booked in for a LLETZ procedure. When I got the letter about the treatment I actually felt more relief than anything, thinking "well if there is a risk, I need the cells removed". My only fear really was fertility, as I am 34 and single and want to have a baby soon, so to be honest that's just a general fear of mine every day really!

Anyway, my mum was out of the country during my treatment and various friends offered to come with me, in the end my sister came with me. I didn't - honestly- give the procedure any thought beforehand. I just thought it would be like the biopsies. Anyway, lets just say I wasn't prepared for it and mine wasn't straightforward, there were some complications (but everyone is different, so don't read too much into that).  Afterwards I was very light headed and tearful. 

My sister took me to the pub across the road, which was fine, but I wanted to go home and I told her that. I paid for a taxi and went to bed. I just sat there for hours, feeling like I'd been hit by a train. Its the only way I can describe it. I couldn't stop crying. Please note this is not for the pain, which was fine, just cramping which eased with ibuprofen. I don't want to worry anyone. It was just pure emotions. And my sister was useless, telling me to get up and go out and that I wasn't "ill", that it was over now and I should stop thinking about it. I was also bleeding A LOT at this point and didn't want to move. She didn't even make me a cup of tea. I have no idea about why she reacted like this, other than she is quite squeamish and not very good with physical problems. All I wanted was to be told I'd been brave and to feel looked after. Instead I felt stupid for my reactions. 

Over the course of last night and today though I have felt the same. I feel this huge sense of my 'reproductive self' and my body being somehow broken, and I feel almost traumatised. I have literally, only now, thought about the results and how close I could have been to cancer. Or might still be. I have only now thought about what the process involved and how vulnerable you feel throughout it and how I maybe should have chosen a better support buddy. I feel so alone right now, and scared. I am kind of angry. I have only ever slept with one man, who must have given me HPV, and he left me 3.5 years ago and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I am angry with him for this. Even though I know that's not how it works. But most of all I feel like I want to know this is OK to feel so broken afterwards. I tend to be quite emotional anyway. Is this shock? 

I'm also still bleeding so feel quite weak. I am sorry to blurt all this out in my first post but I hope someone can give some advice. 

 

Thanks

2

Hello Freckly (great name - they are so beautiful),

Firstly, I hope you are feeling a bit better now and that your cramps have eased off.

Secondly, I can see that you are trying not to scare other people, and that's good, but a LLETZ treatment is not a small thing and many of us found it traumatic and upsetting. You are allowed to be upset and angry, it's ok. Is it shock? Yes, perhaps, and grief and fear and worry and feeling violated and any number of other things.

I suspect you know that HPV is very easily passed on and that nearly everybody has it at some point and it's just dumb luck that made our bodies less able to deal with it than other people. Focsing your anger on your ex is understandable, and do it if it helps you vent your feelings, but do try not to let anger consume you - you'll just drag yourself down.

Do try not to worry about your fertility. As far as I know, you should be fine to get pregnant and carry a baby to full term after one LLETZ treatment. They might keep a slightly closer eye on you, but that's a good thing, right?

Many of  us have felt let down by friends and family who haven't reacted the way we needed during treatment. Often they are shocked and overwhelmed by what's going on and don't know what to do for the best, but other times they really don't get it. I don't know how well I'd have done if this had happened to a close friend or relative before it happened to me, but I suspect I might have said and done the wrong things too. 

So, I guess I'm saying it's ok to feel emotional. Allow yourself time to process what's happened to you and surround yourself with people who will give you the support you need, whoever they are. Keep your distance from people who don't help you feel better. If you don't have positive folk around in the flesh, you can always find us here.

Take it easy and enjoy the sunshine. Give yourself time. It will get better. x

3

Dear Rosehip 

 

Thank you so much, your reply really helped. I am feeling a ton better now and trying to stay positive for the results. Still have small moments where I feel wobbly about it all, but this forum is such a source of support. You sound like a very strong person. Thank you. 

 

4

Hi Freckly,

Hope that you are feeling a bit better now. I'm so sorry to hear that you had such a rough ride after your LLETZ - both physically and emotionally.

I haven't had LLETZ - I am booked in for a cone bioposy next week - but I felt a little bit like you did after my colscopy appointment. I found it such an uncomfortable, undignified examination, plus the fact that they gave me bad news during the process, that I just burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for about an hour afterwards. As Rosehip says, it is a feeling of being violated as well as all the other worries that we have going through our mind with these procedures and I think some people just don't get it.

I'm afraid that some people don't know how to react when a loved one is going through a tough time. I feel so sorry that your sister wasn't able to offer you the support you needed, and hope that you have found some comfort from this forum. Speaking of inappropriate family reactions - my dad has been the other way, he becomes really tearful and starts begging me to tell him that I don't have cancer and that I'm not going to die (!!). While I appreciate that he's upset for me, this behaviour leaves me in the odd position of having to comfort and reassure him when what I want is someone to be strong for me and comfort & reassure me!

I think that you have to do what is best for you at the moment, if that means trying to keep your distance from your sister while you get your head together then do so but it might be worth asking someone else (perhaps your mum?) to have a word with her to explain how her behaviour makes you feel. I asked my mum to tell my dad to back off a bit, and he is making a bit of an effort to be strong in front of me. I know that we can feel guilty about needing to rely heavily on family and friends at this time, but I think its important to remember that we are allowed to ask for the support we need without feeling guilty about it.

Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Best wishes,

Dasha x

5

Hello Freckly,

I had LLETZ earlier today and have been a little wobbly too!

To be honest, I've felt on edge ever since my smear test back in June when I just had an awful feeling that something was wrong. After already feeling anxious, my results letter arrived a week later than the time frame given to me and didn't really explain much other than that I had "high-grade dyskaryosis" which meant I had to google for more information (which I'm sure you'll know can often be the worse thing to do!) and that the hospital would contact me in regards to having a colposcopy.

When I got my letter about making an appointment, I called and they said "you did know you need the LLETZ treatment too?" which obviously I didn't due to the complete lack of information given to me, so again kept me anxious. The three week wait for today to arrive seemed to take forever and whilst reading forums like this where others are going through the same have helped, it was still in the back of my mind that something could be seriously wrong with me and that I was in the tiny percentage of people who are unlucky.

Since the first letter I've been tearful, have quite literally worried myself sick and I got almost no sleep last night (though that was partly to do with the heat I think!), despite being told again and again that it's "common", "unlikely to be too serious" and that "it's a good job they found it now, so you'll be fine". Whilst the rational side of me already knows all this, part of me just wants someone to be sympathetic and understand how I've been feeling.

Whilst the doctor alleviated my fears somewhat today by saying he believed I was low-risk, I won't know for sure until I get the final result and again, I don't feel like anything was properly explained to me and I felt a little too overwhelmed to remember any of the questions I had.

Since the procedure this morning I have had quite bad period-like aching pains and sharp pains in my groin every now and then but am taking paracetamol and ibuprofen like I do every month (have always suffered from horrific period pains!). My mum came with me but I initially felt fine after a bit of lunchso she headed home leaving me alone and like you I've felt quite emotional. In fact on top of feeling sorry for myself, I almost cried just watching Finding Nemo earlier so think it must be hormonal too.

Considering the stress we've been under - particularly if you have been aware of the problem for 18 months now, I don't think it's unusual to be feeling emotional about this and can only think that your sister doesn't understand exactly what must be going through your mind as to her you're now all fixed, so what's the problem?!

I'm lucky in that my mum has been really great and supportive, but I have had to tell friends off for being too "ah, i know so and so who had the same thing so don't worry, you'll be okay!". My grandfather has cancer of the liver and lungs and my brother has been quite badly affected by it so I hadn't mentioned anything about it to him so as not to cause him extra worry but unfortunately my dad let it slip earlier so have had to comfort him that I'm OK when I'd quite like to be the one comforted!

Hopefully in the next couple of days you'll get back to your normal self and can put this stressful time behind you and if you're not getting the right support from your sister, try talking to friends/family who are happy to lend an ear as I'm a big believer in talking things through (though I realise that may not be as easy as it sounds!).

Sorry for waffling on so much but reading your post has made me feel a little more normal though I don't think I'll be getting any sleep again tonight.

Amy xxx

6

Wow this forum is amazing and thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. I'm now 7days on from my LLETZ and feeling a lot better. Other than heavy bleeding for 2 days after and a mild discharge (sorry....) I feel fine. Emotionally I still feel battered and bruised...but you've all made it so much easier so thank you, so much. 

 

Dasha1 I really have my fingers crossed for you with the cone biopsy. Come back and tell us how you got on. You are right that we need to do what is best for us right now. For me, that meant going out today and buying myself flowers and new perfume to feel fresher and inject a bit of summer into my flat!! 

amylase, I'm sorry you too are feeling wobbly and a bit emotional. Have you been sleeping any better? (love the finding nemo story. I think if you need to cry, just do it, just let yourself. I always feel better after a cry). 

I think what these posts show is that a lot of people don't know how to handle this kind of news - friends and family can find it hard. I've also found that many people I've told will look at me and say "but thats very common, right? I mean, its not that serious?" as if looking to me to tell them its all ok. I think maybe it is common but that doesn't mean its not serious and it doesn't mean we deserve sympathy and concern as if it was an operation on any other part of the body. AND I think its hard, because its our lady bits, so we feel violated and vulnerable and all those things. 

If anything, next time this comes up in conversation I am going to start saying- it may be common but its still HARD. It is emotionally stressful, and not always easy to talk about. 

I am 5 weeks down of a 6 week wait for my results. I have to keep busy. 

I really am grateful for the support from this group. 

Freckly xx

7

Hi Freckly, Hope you are on the mend now and just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel. I had my cone biopsy only this morning under general anaesthetic and I really felt emotional in the recovery room. I'm now back home in my own bed and just trying to relax and chill out. The main thing is we've both been treated so fingers crossed, those nasty little cells have gone for good and we can look forward to a healthier future. It's ok to feel wobbly. The waiting has been the worst and let's be honest, it's hardly a sociable conversation is it? My other half is pretty cold about it, he's not really someone who has any sympathy for anyone except himself when he has man flu and is dying. In some respects, it does stop me from wallowing but there are times I do wish he'd give me abit more support. I hope you continue to stay well, keep in touch. This group is flipping marvellous and I send big hugs to all the ladies on here xxxx

8

I'm thanking my lucky stars I came across this forum, there is so little infomation out there about all of this, if it wasn't for this site I may have lost my mind! It's been a few days since my lletz treatment and I'm also feeling emotionally bruised and have been feeling quite alone, but not wanting to talk about it just incase I worry others or just look like a wreck! 

The specialst said that they had taken quite a "chunk" during my treatment and I've been suffering horrible pains in my pelvis since then so I feel your pain... 

I think that nothing can prepare you for the emotions you go through when facing things like this, not can it prepare you for how others are going to react, I've certainly had a mixed response from oh it's nothing to omg are you going to die When really all I need is a hug, not for people to tell me it's all going to be fine, because no one really knows that anyway do they? 

Its been a few months since your last posts so my question is really, what happened next? How are you feeling now? 

Im waiting results, however the specialist said that it's CN3 And wait to hear from us, which has sent me into brain override on what possibly could they be telling me next! 

I hope thin have improved for all of you lovely ladies! 

Sorry for waffling but I just needed to get that out. 

 

Sept 2013 - smear results normal

Aug 2016 - smear test high grade abnormal 

Sept 2016  - Colop/lletz - CN3 waiting further results 

 

9

Hi all I'm new to the forums and just back now from lletz.  I've had low grade dyskariosis on two smears and one clear colcoscopy, but they wanted to check in the canal, which is where the abnormalities are.  I've got to admit to fearing that if it's in the canal, it could be worse than the smears showed, and in my deepest thoughts, I'm worried it's cancer.  I suppose we all are.  I have a habit of pretending to be blasé and cool and joked through the lletz, chatting and all gung-ho about it.  My colleagues (I'm a teacher and nearly all my everyday friends are from school) were very huggy and kind about it with me brushing it off as nothing.  But actually I'm a bit shaken.  It seemed quite a big deal actually.  All the warnings about no see and potential bleeding etc.  I feel physically ok but think I still have the anaesthetic.  They removed a blister to test for abnormalities.  Now just hoping I manage not to stress my head off for 6 weeks up to and including Chrimbo.   It's good to have a forum to share in.  My friends are also saying 'you'll be fine' and 'it's early found' etc but it doesn't address the possibility that it might not be.  I have 3 kids and my middle one is very emotionally fragile although independent and away at uni.  She gets really anxious and is in recovery from bulimia.  She couldn't deal with me being ill.  That's my biggest worry.  What a palaver all this is!  Anyway, hope to hang around and 'meet' others and have a good natter.

10

Hi, I havnt wrote on here before and wasnt even sure where to write!

 

I had my Lletz proceure 8 days a go now under ga to remove CIN3. I am 24 and and had my first smear with servere abnormalitys found. Ive been worried from the start but just sort of dealt with it.

I was so worked up about having this procedure and the after effects, however i woke and was home within the hour (i went back to my parents as my partner works away, and they looked after me for that night) I had the next day of to rest and slepy most of the day due to the effects of the GA more than anything as it was the first time id ever been under. I was suprised to find i had no pains, no cramps and no bleeding even though i had this done on a period? i almost felt asif nothing had been done, so i returned to work, the morning of work i woke with a maror sore throat like i had swallowed razor blades and a sniffly nose, this quickly progressed and i had a majot head cold ann my sinuses where blocked i im just generally unwell. ive been comming home and sleeping on and of so at the moment my life consists of work and sleep. last few days ive been getting a very smelly discharge and was confirmed by the doctors i have an infection yesterday. i am continueing to work however i feel emotionally, physically and mentally drained. I had an arguement with my parnter a few days a go and took it unpon my self to pack my things and leave! Gues what im trying to say is im feeling very emotional constantly tired and rather alone is this normal? and am i doing this to myself by continueing with my normal day to day life? 

 

Sorry for the long paragraph i could go on and on just would like to no if anyone else is feeling as emotionaly drained as i do?

Thanks guys :)

11

Heya! 

Wow so glad i came across this forum.. iv never joined one before!

So im 24 only 4wks ago had my FIRST smear and my result then took me to have coloscopy apt which i was teffified about worry about pain (some seeing my lady parts) everything i could stress about i did! 

So my coloscopy was lunch time today and they then and there decided it was best if i had LLETS! which i was not expecting (was slightly scared theyd tell me worst straught away but was more so thinking it would be just a double check up and send me off in 10/20mins) i had the anastestic and wow that needle hurt (but please noome read this be scared its secs just one of those real unsual feelings) and gosh i felt embarressment but  feel like crying my eyes out never felt this emotiinal feeling dont even know how i feel i feel lost! 

The smear and this is the cloesf anyone had to look at me (even in bedroom i hide under sheets lol) so feeling very vialated but i know itf for the best just so uoset they done LLETZ. This is the most serious thing iv ever had done and just feel so shook up! And was just hoping people that have the right words to say could help..

12

Hi everyone. I am one month post lletz surgery. After the serve pain and bleeding i was so revlived to get back to feeling 'normal again'. But i think i am starting to suffer from depression. The pain and bleeding has gone, i got my results back as cin 1 pre cancerous cells, they had to remove a large lump but could not get all of it out. I just feel numb. Like i have no motivation to do anything, emotional. Is anyone else feeling this way 1 month post lletz? Just its hard for friends and family to know how you feel.

13

Honestly know how you feel to well. Infection is so common with our surgery i got a pelvic inflamation infection it was the worst. I dont know about you but i found myself getting fustrated with my body even though the pain and bleeding went it was the constant need to sleep or not move as quickly as i could before surgery, the no sex thing aswell! Mentally i am really struggling with this a month on. You cant pin point what is making you feel emotionally drained, you cant explain to friends or your partner what exactly is making you feel sad, its just happening. Although to everyone else we have no pain anymore so we must be fine, but we still dont feel. 100% ourselfs. Hope this helps

14

Hey girls,

I’ve been having my coloscopy for the past 2 years and 3 weeks ago had an appointment they said now it looks clear but was waiting for my HPV smear test results and it still came back saying I had some abnormal cells but was advised if it came back I will have to have them removed.

A week after I get the results and said I’m booked in for a LLETZ on the 3rd Jan, I know I shouldn‘t let it ruin my Christmas or new year but I am stressing over it and I get upset as I can’t stop worrying about it and I’m not good with needles so I’m thinking will I feel the local. 

i do find it helpful reading these comments and admire the support you have for one another sharing your experiences. I just hope I will be ok and hopefully having this done I can relax and not get upset. And I know in a way it’s good that they are keeping an eye on me as if I didn’t go for my smear when I was 25 it could have got worse.

My mum has been amazing as she leaves work early or book time off to take me I know I have her support but thought I‘d leave a comment on here as a few of my friends haven’t had their smear test done and have had a few arguements as they won’t go. And my ex never understood why I was upset every time I went. I guess men don’t understand. 

Whoever reads this sorry for the long winded comment and thanks for your time reading this xx

 

15

Hi NONO2016

i came across this post and had to reply (i hope things are looking better for you now and you and your bf are ok?)

I also am doing what you were, work and sleep. I am also a mother so that alone is tiring. Im knackered from life and my cervix atm. I count down the hours to being able to sleep and not being doing something... anything.

my bbf told me its a coping techinque, we just keep going, if not harder at our day to day lives just to be distracted. It sounds silly but i think she is right. The simple thing would be to take annual leave and recover- this however gives us time to think.. and when it comes to health issues i think thinking is not the greatest thing to do- after all from the second we get a bad smear we spend hours at a time panicking about what could happen.

hope you are recovered well. x

16

So glad i found this post ..sorry to jump in  Hi everyone I had a cone biopsy 5 weeks ago ..i was told on Thursday I needed to book in for a top hat ..ive been a wreck for weeks as i don't really understand what's going on ..is it cancer they have or are removing..i feel mad to keep asking as I didn't understand what.ive been told .

17

 

Hi everyone I had a cone biopsy 5 weeks ago ..i was told on Thursday I needed to book in for a top hat ..ive been a wreck for weeks as i don't really understand what's going on ..is it cancer they have or are removing..i feel mad to keep asking as I didn't understand what.ive been told .