Feeling down

I’m now 2 weeks post treatment and I’ve done quite well so far, just suffering with tiredness and now cystitis. I had a review on Wednesday which went ok, all the side effects I’m having are normal. They couldn’t tell me anything about how the treatment went or if it had worked but I knew that before I went. I have an appointment on the 3rd February next so don’t know if I will find out more then.

My taste has come back now so eating is easier and the diarrhoea seems to have settled down for now.

But despite getting on ok I’m feeling really down and tearful today, just keep worrying the treatment hasn’t worked, as my tumor is large (7x8cm) I’m just so scared, although my consultant did say during my brachytherapy (as I had ct scans every time and an MRI scan during the second brachytherapy) that it was shrinking, so that did give me some hope. I just keep worrying about any future treatment I might need, just can’t stop crying today.

Mel x

Hi Mel

Sorry to hear you are having  rubbish day. Waiting for results is the worst. I would take it as a huge positive though that your consultant said it is shrinking! That's exactly what you want to hear. 

Try and stay positive. You've come so far and done brilliantly xxx

I wish I had some amazing advice to give you but I haven't.  I can send you love and tell you how much you have helped me with your story x 

Thank you for your lovely messages, I’m just having a bad day today and writing things down on this forum really does help me.

Mel x

Hi Mel,

So sorry you are having a tearful day :-( This happens. It happens to all of us. Everything goes so fast when we are diagnosed that we don't really have time to fully absorb it all. We tend to go into some kind of automatic mode, probably to protect ourselves, but once the treatment is over and there is time to reflect on everything you have just been through it can be really quite overwhelming. And it doesn't help that for five weeks you had a routine and were seeing a hospital full of reassuring medical people and then it stops. Suddenly. Just like that.

Keep talking to us here when you feel down and, if you don't bounce back up after a while, then that is the time to seek help in terms of counselling.

(((((HUGS)))))

Be lucky :-)
Tivoli

Sorry to hi jack the post. 

What does happen after treatment?  How often  do you go back to see the Dr's, scans,  follow ups etc?

Hi Tivoli,

Yes you’re right. I’m finding that since treatment has finished I feel in limbo and again the waiting game for results had begun again and I’m finding this very hard some days.

My next appointment is 3rd February, not sure what I will find out at this, I’m scared but hoping for some answers.

Mel x

Hi Philleepa,

After my treatment I had a 2 week review appointment which was last Wednesday, and my next appointment, which is 6 weeks after treatment, is on the 3rd February with the consultant, not sure what I will find out at this. I have no appointments for any scans yet. The nurse said last week that I will also have an appointment for a colposcopy in 3 months.

Mel x

Hey hunni, I have advanced CC and before I started my bracatherpy I had a scan as I was so poorly they thought it had gone terminal and stopped my treatment - i am happy to say that I proved them wrong :-).

My cancer had gone from being so large that they couldn't see into my cervic to being the size of a pea! I don't know the original size if the tumour or the correct grading as I never asked.

So when you think about the bad stuff remember if I can do it so can you :-).

I'm having my follow up scans this month to see if I've beaten it once and for all! And I am nervous xx

If your 6 week follow up appointment is like mine it's just a chat and the doctor looks up there (what is it with them???), I got weighed then the doctor requested my scans but I didn't get my appointments until a month later I don't know if it's because it was over Christmas or what. I will then be sent a letter once I've had my last scan to say when I will see the doctor and then they arrange appointments based on the results.

Hi Philleepa,

What happens after treatment really varies a lot from place to place and depends on how you responded to treatment. I was put straight onto 6-month check-ups including CT scans but other women are on 3-month or 4-month check-ups, some have scans, some don't. The best people to ask about that is your team but I guess they'll have to see how your treatment goes before they can give you a real answer.

Be lucky :-)
Tivoli

Hi Mel, :-)

It can be very difficult I know, but you'll get back into your stride and hopefully there will even be a skip in your step after 3rd Feb :-)

Be lucky :-)
Tivoli

Having another bad day today, feel so emotional, sat and sobbed this morning, I keep panicking about the future and results and what else I may have to go through.

Plus I’m suffering with cystitis at the moment and keep needing the loo every half hour to an hour, and when I need to go I have to go straightaway as it starts coming out (please excuse) and I almost wee myself, so I’m scared to go out incase I wee myself so getting a bit housebound. It’s been 3 weeks since my treatment finished and apart from this I don’t feel too bad just tired as I’m up and down during the night going to the loo.

Mel x

Hi melanie.  I know exactly where you are coming from. I feel like I'm using all my mental strength to get me through the treatment, try not to worry about the future  (impossible ) & be strong for my kids. Sometimes it just is a lot to ask for.

I've been fine today until my brother in law phoned.  I broke down cos I've not spoken to him since diagnosis. I just don't want to talk about it to people I know because when it's over I just want to lock it away in a box.

Bad days are going to happen.  I suppose we have to accept that. It's hard to make plans for the future at the moment but we need something to keep us going. I've booked panto tickets today for xmas eve. Obviously I wonder whether or not I'll be there but if not then my family will carry on the tradition.

Is there anything that can help your cystitis? 

Also with regards the wee, don't think badly of me but I have a she wee in the car and an empty bottle.  Just in case I get caught short on journeys.  Tbh I've always had it cos we do a lot of camping and I refuse to get out if the tent in the night and traipse through the camp site for a wee. Can you get out for a walk in the park. Even 20 mins or so? You'd be suprised how many decent bushes there are to wee behind (always had a week bladder so am an expert - heaven help me at the end of my treatment ). 

Lots of cafes have toilets so maybe just a trip for a coffee. I'm hoping to get to our local dunelm store tomorrow.  It has a coffee shop so I want to sit there like a normal person and drink coffee. Hopefully no one who knows me will come in. 

Sorry to go on but, have you tried tena lady knickers?  I discovered them a while ago with my bleeding problems.  It's weird at first but you get used to them. They're not suitable for big wees (as far as I know) but they're great for if anything comes out before it should.  Of course there's also the proper incontinence pads but I haven't tried them yet. 

I know it's embarrassing and not what you want but I am such a believer in being out of the house.  Fresh air and exercise is a great way of getting rid of depression.  My sister had MS and really struggled to get out of the house due to her illness and it was the depression rather than the illness that finished her off.

Also, I think at the moment there's such a lot of things on TV relating to cancer and I want to cry every time I see them. I don't know if my illness has made me more aware. 

I'm sorry to go on mel, I just don't like to see depression set it and if getting out of the house means wearing a nappy then I really think that's what we need to do.

It just stops us worrying  

Oh and you can also get waterproof pants from sports shops. I have them anyway for my walking and taking the kids to football,  they're great and with all this rain we're having, no one will bat an eyelid. 

You're mostly through this now hon and you're my inspiration so we're in this together x 

Ps. I think a massive cry when we need it does us a world of good

After having a good day yesterday I feel so down and tearful today, just keep thinking about my children and not being here for them and it’s breaking my heart. I feel panic and scared like my time is running out, just don’t know what to do with myself at the moment.

Aww mel, it's allowed and it will pass I promise.  Hopefully quickly, once you have your results in a few weeks.  

Unfortunately in the meantime it's just something that you will need to battle through.  Hopefully  the end result will make you more appreciative of what you've got and you will have a different outlook to life  I'm not saying you don't appreciate it already btw, just that you will see things in a different way.

I had a blood clot on my lung a couple of years ago and could have died from that. It took me about 2 years before I stopped thinking about dying. I expect cancer will be as long if not longer. 

It's hard mel,  it really is but it does get easier. You've just got to rake each day as it comes. 

My kids are 19, 15 and 8 and my husband is 71. My oldest two are fantastic and I know they will be ok (eventually ) if anything happens to me. My big fears are for my 8 year old.  He is too young to lose his mummy. His dad is brilliant but at the end of the day he is 71. I'm the fun person in this family and he is the practical one. I don't know if my husband will have enough energy to  give him the upbringing I want for him. 

I have been practical and spoke to my best friend of more than 30 years, we have children 2 weeks apart, she has agreed that she will look after my youngest if needs be and she will ensure that he still does what we do now cone what may. She will advise my husband of the things that my son needs etc. It's given me comfort. 

It's hard to think about the children in this but I do feel better having that sorted out.

My middle child worries me slightly but I know his dad will be good for him, hus sister will nurture him and his cousins will be around for him. I can't do anything else really. 

I know this sounds stupid but my husband has bought the boys a dessert for tonight which makes me happy. That's usually what I do and it's the little things like that that I fear they will miss out on. My husband is very practical and things like desserts don't get thought about. Well he's done well tonight.  

Silly what makes you happy.

Sorry for going on about me when I was trying to comfort you. I think I just wanted you to know that your feelings are normal but unfortunately there's no quick fix for this x 

Are you going through the menopause too? I've been told I will and I guess that's not going to help!

Take each day, each hour and each minute as it comes. It will get better. Honestly  x 

Hi Philleepa,

Thank you again for coming to my rescue, I’ve spent the afternoon around my mums and I’m feeling a bit better now.

Like you I have 3 children, my eldest son is 28, my daughter is 20 and my youngest son is 6. My elder two know exactly what’s going on and are very supportive. My youngest doesn’t know what’s really wrong with me he just knows I’m poorly, I feel he is too young to deal with cancer, if things go bad for me I know I will have to find a way to tell him. Like you, I have big fears for him if something happens to me the thought of him without a mum breaks my heart. He will have his dad but I just want to be around at least until he has grown up.

Yes I think the menopause is kicking in, I seem to be having hot flushes perhaps that’s why I feel so emotional as well.

You were saying in your other post about bleeding, I had this problem and it was very heavy at times and I was prescribed tranexamic acid tablets which stopped the bleeding.

Mel x

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. 

The emotional side is the worst isn't it. Physical symptoms we can usually put up with, find a way around or fix with medication. Emotional problems don't have a definitive way to deal with things. We need an answer to the question 'will we survive. I think even when we have that it'll still be hard. 

We just need time x 

My 19 yr old knows I have cancer but the boys don't.  They know I have been having problems bleeding and the treatment that I am having is burning the problem away. I've explained that the treatment will make me poorly before I get better and they understand.  

I just don't want to put any upset on them.  I had to tell my daughter the truth due to loose lips from other members of my family but it won't get back to my boys x hopefully anyway.  I will have to deal with it if it does happen.

I'm on a confident streak at the moment,  I have bad moments but I can drag myself through atm. How long for I don't know. 

I have 2 more weeks chemoradiation so feel am on the countdown.  I've started with dihorrea which is a sign the treatment is doing something, I know I've got a few hard weeks ahead of me but hopefully at the end of it they'll be a rainbow x 

Keep in touch, seeing you get through this has had a positive influence on me X thank you x 

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. 

The emotional side is the worst isn't it. Physical symptoms we can usually put up with, find a way around or fix with medication. Emotional problems don't have a definitive way to deal with things. We need an answer to the question 'will we survive. I think even when we have that it'll still be hard. 

We just need time x 

My 19 yr old knows I have cancer but the boys don't.  They know I have been having problems bleeding and the treatment that I am having is burning the problem away. I've explained that the treatment will make me poorly before I get better and they understand.  

I just don't want to put any upset on them.  I had to tell my daughter the truth due to loose lips from other members of my family but it won't get back to my boys x hopefully anyway.  I will have to deal with it if it does happen.

I'm on a confident streak at the moment,  I have bad moments but I can drag myself through atm. How long for I don't know. 

I have 2 more weeks chemoradiation so feel am on the countdown.  I've started with dihorrea which is a sign the treatment is doing something, I know I've got a few hard weeks ahead of me but hopefully at the end of it they'll be a rainbow x 

Keep in touch, seeing you get through this has had a positive influence on me X thank you x