I have been so skeptical about posting on here. Last night I finally got the courage and wrote out everything I felt and somehow deleted it accidentally. I decided to give it another try.
I want to apologize in advance for the rambling.
I want to first say I've always had an irregular menstrual cycle, the doctor always prescribed birth control to regulate the cycle. This went on for years, the doctor said it was normal and though it would be fibroids. She said it was not to worry about it. I don't remember when my last smear was it could be anywhere between 8-4 years, I know I should have been more cautious. I was just tired of always being told the same thing and getting prescribed the pill. I always felt that when I was ready to have children it was going to be difficult for me because of my irregular menstrual so as soon as my cycle would regulate I would always stop taking the pill. About 4 years ago i remember going to the doctor because is was going through very heavy bleeding. It was bad, I had to change pads every hour or so, had clots almost the size of my palm and basically stopped my whole life because I had to stay near a restroom until it was over. Well, again I was prescribed birth control, this time along with iron pills because my blood count was so low. It helped. She also said she will put in a request for an ultra sound to check the source, I was told I would receive the appointment in the mail, I never did and I forgot about it.
I turned 29 at the end of May this year, and a couple of weeks later those symptoms I experienced years before came back. On June 9th I went to my new doctor and am so thankful for her. I told her what was going on and I told her I was done with birth control, I know something is wrong with me and I want to fix it not just be given birth control and it be forgotten. I told her I would be thinking about children within the next year and wanted to be ready. She completely understood and said she would schedule an emergency DNC to clean out my uterus, she said she though it was menorrhagia so she would have to put me on the pill for 2 weeks just long enough to stop the bleeding until the DNC. I agreed. Right before I walked out she said she wanted to check my blood count, I was sent to the emergency room right after.
Once in the emergency room I had an ultra sound done to see what was causing the bleeding, right at the end is where they found that little smudge. Once the ER doctor saw the results he said he wanted to take a look, it took a while for him to find it but when he did he said he would be taking a biopsy just as a precaution. I was given two units of blood because the bleeding had made me extremely anemic, and was dismissed the next day. On June 12th I was called right before 2 pm, I was home at doctors request, everyone else was out going about their work day. I remember him saying to me "we found a little cancer in the biopsy. i know its hard to hear but you're going to be fine. They'll have to remove your uterus so you wont be able to have any kids but youll be fine. You will need to find a gynocologic oncologist, its not urgent but do take care of it within the next week or so." That was it, in a two minute phone call I felt my earth shatter. I think i was in shock for a couple of minutes but as soon as i came to I could do nothing else but sob. After phone calls to my boyfriend, brother and my mother my family met in my parents living room that night. I remember my father, who never cries, crying. My mother being as strong as she could be, I thought she was so good until the next morning when I realized it was 9am and she was still in bed, when I checked on her all I could see is puffy eyes and a tired face, my poor mother had been crying all night. I remember my two older brothers and boyfriend just being quiet, every so often saying everything will be ok. And finally my little sister, she lost it, she cried with me the whole time.
It was the weekend so nothing could be done until Monday, needless to say, it wasnt a very good weekend. I have a very huge family and by Sunday they all knew. I thank god for my cousin who immediately took over the process of looking for a specialist. She had become a first time mom a couple of months before and was exhausted but tried her hardest, I appreciate her even more for that.
Well let me just say that healthcare in the US is a joke. It started Monday June 15th when I called my Dr for an appointment so that I can be referred to a specialist. I saw her on the 17th, however my insurance did not approve a referral until days later. When I finally got in contact with the specialist their first appointment available would be July 1st. My cousin and I had decided to switch insurance for better coverage and that change would go into effect on July 1st which meant my insurance no longer covered the specialist assigned. Thankfully July 1st came around and I was able to see my new doctor that same day, he referred me to the specialist me and my cousin had decided on and all I was waiting for was an approval, the doctor said I should have it by monday because Friday would be a holiday. Monday came around and when I called the doctors office I discovered that my referral was nver sent due to confussion with my insurance. For the next 2 weeks I would go back and forth with these people who kept sending me to the wrong type of specialist. I finally gave up and begged my insurance to cut the middle man out and just deal with me, they agreed once they heard what i was going through. I was finally given an appointment to see a specialist on July 21st, although it was not the specialist me and my cousin wanted I was just thankful to see somebody.
Dealing with the insurance was horrible but I remember about a week after my initial disgnosis I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt I was at a specialist office and he said I was 5 weeks pregnant and treatment could be postponed until after birth. I let this dream fool me into thinking everything would be alright. So although my experience for weeks was horrible this dream allowed me to stay calm. I felt it wasnt the end.
This all changed July 21st. I went into the specialist office and he explained to me what was found, a 3cm tumor in my cervix, and what options I had. He said i had 3 options, a radical hysterectomy, chemo/radiation, and radical trachelectomy. He explained that if I wanted to carry a child the radical trachelectomy would be my only choice but he said this would be the riskiest option. He told me that cancer can return fast and stronger with this procedure and it usually does not end well if that happens. He then said these options are only possible if the cancer had not spread. This broke me, I knew spread was a possiblity but hearing him say it made it real. He then made a referral for a PET scan and said he'll see me back in his office in a couple of weeks to discuss my results and my decision on treatment. I go back August 13th.
I have a PET scan scheduled for July 31st and I am terrified. I havent stopped crying since I met the specialist. I cry myself to sleep at night and most days hideout throughout the day and just let go. I have so much support from family and friends and for some reason I feel so alone. I try and carry on with my day as usual as possible, even tried going back to work but I couldn't even complete a full day. The bleeding is still pretty unpredicted so this is a problem too, it depresses me. I feel its not fair to put my family through this. I hate that I feel like my relationship with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with is over, How can I ask him to give up the one thing we always wanted, a family. My boyfriend is the most amazing guy ever, we've known each other since we were in our very early teen years and were best friends for years before we realized everyone else we dated was pretty much a waste of time because at the end of the day we were all we needed and wanted. How can I ask this man to give up on a fimly simply because I cant give it to him, I cant and I wont. I fear the worst. I fear this has spread over my whole body and I will never get the chance to do things I thought I would eventually do. I feel i'll never get to visit places I wanted to visit. I'll never get to give my parents grandchildren and will never get to see my future nieces and nephews grow up. Both my brothers are engaged and i fear I wont be able to see them marry.
The truth is I don't know much about what was found in me. All I know is a 3cm cancerous tumor was found in my cervix on June 9th and that I am terrified. I think it's the not knowing that is driving me crazy and the waiting is just making everything harder. There are days that I can look in the mirror and say to myself that this isnt going to end me that I am going to fight this. I remember the drive home from seeing the specialist when my mom said to me with tears in her eyes that she doesnt want to lose me to cancer and i try to promise myself that I wont let it, for me and for her. But still i cry myslef to sleep and cant help but think the worst.
Again I want to apologize for the rambling, I do apologize. I just needed to get this off my chest to feel better if only for a couple of minutes.
I hope everyone is doing good and again I apologize for the rambling.