Emotional rollercoaster - ready to cry all the time



I had an abnormal smear in June, on the day of test the gynacologist could see already that I'd need a colposcopy so I thought I was prepared for everything that happened next.  She also did a biopsy on that day separately to the smear to get the process started.  I talked to a couple of friends and heard so many stories of it happening to others too that I assumed I'd be ok.

My smear showed changes to glandular cells so at colposcopy in August I also had netz which is like a lletz and a couple of punch biopsies, it was uncomfortable but again I didn't allow myself to think too far as gynacologist was quite reassuring and said that while he expected I'd also need to have a cone biopsy he was pretty certain that I would be ok after that.

4 weeks after colposcopy I had the cone biopsy along with a D&C and they also inserted a mirena coil - my original reason for referral to hospital as I've got chronic anaemia and won't be having any more children at 45 so this was to ease up on cycle to try help that.

Cone biopsy went well. they told me 2 weeks after that in September they were happy that I was off the hook and that I'd go back into the regular programme with a follow up in 3 years.  I was a bit surprised but almost danced out of the office with relief feeling that as all biopsies showed no sign of cancer I'd just been unlucky with glandular changes because they are that bit more unpredicatable.

Recovery wasn't easy, I was shattered for weeks and bleeding only really stopped after about 6 weeks.  I'm a single parent working from home and my son doesn't spend any time with his father after a very difficult stressful separation so I did my best not to let my son know anything was wrong, he thought I had the flu and that's why I was tired and spending a bit more time than normal in bed.

Last week I got a letter from colposcopy clinic to tell me that after a further review of my tests there was also CIN2 and that while they believe they got everything they'd like to see me again in March.

I know compared to lots of people I should still consider myself lucky but this has set me back.  I'm feeling very emotional but not in a position to even let that show as I need to be strong for my son who is with me 24/7 except for the hours he's in school when I have to work - and I'm afraid to cry even in case I'm questioned over it as my eyes get very puffy very quickly and it's difficult to hide.

I've got my sister, brother and parents living not too far from me but I honestly feel that none of them understood when I told them that this was a big deal.  I went to all appointments on my own, this was very difficult on the day I spent in hospital as when checking in I was the only person on their own - my mother and sister picked me up at the end of the day as I wasn't allowed to go home alone.  

I feel exhausted mentally and as there are some extended family members going through various other illnesses at the moment I feel I can't talk to anybody, that people think I'm being overly dramatic and that I'm supposed to feel relieved that I'm just going back to be monitored.

I'm taking medication for anxiety after an extremely lengthy and drawn out separation with an abusive partner who would honestly take delight in the fact that any of this has happened, I'm still recovering from the trauma of that while trying to be strong about what's happened with my health but instead of feeling grateful I just feel I want to hide away in bed because I don't feel that I could even tell anybody how bad I feel right now.

I suppose I'm wondering am I alone in feeling this emotional about the whole thing?  Am I wrong to think I could do with real support or am I over-reacting when I feel that others don't understand that this was a big deal for me.  

I have worked with a therapist before after the abuse I endured, has anybody felt the need to talk to somebody in that way for dealing with a cancer scare?  Or are there other ways that have worked for other people?


Thanks in advance for any help, D.