Disappointed and embarrassed at myself


I’m new to this forum, but looking for some advice from you ladies.

I had an abnormal smear result which showed high grade dyskarosis and positive HPV. This was my second smear, my first I found very traumatic and ended up putting off this second one for nearly 2 years. It took 4 attempts by my amazing practice nurse to do the smear.

I attended for my colposcopy yesterday, but I just couldn’t relax and found the whole thing very hard. I tried, but I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know why I find it so hard, I had taken some diazepam before hand and really tried to get into the zone.

The consultant was ok, she explained that she obviously needed to do this. I tried again but just burst into tears. I know it’s uncomfortable, but I can’t explain how irrational I am about it. I felt so vulnerable. But mostly so embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

The consultant explained to me that I will most likely need lletz, and she wouldn’t be ale to perform today anyway so suggested that I have colposcopy, biopsies and lletz under general anaesthetic. I just feel so stupid and dramatic, I can’t explain why I freak out so much, it’s such a routine procedure.

I feel so disappointed in myself. I was wondering if I could maybe try again at the clinic and if anyone had any tips or similar experiences?

Oh and the ironic thing about it all?! I’m a nurse that works in gynaecology.

Honestly you are not the only one so don’t worry!!

I didn’t go for my first smear until I was 28 as I was so horrified at the thought of it, cried before during and afterwards and not surprisingly I found it very painful. I hated it so much I said when it comes back clear I’m never going back - long story short it didn’t come back clear and now I have to go for appointments every 3 months and have to have internal examinations and more smears.

I have tried diazapem also and it did absolutely nothing. All I ever get is “it’s not that bad, it doesn’t hurt etc” clearly I just can’t tolerate what other people can although I broke and leg and even found that easier to deal with!

Anyway what I am trying to say is we all have our battles and I completely empathise with you. Funnily enough after I had my surgery when I was talking to the nurse on the ward she told me she was horrified going for a smear and she found it so so so embarassing!

So you are detinately not the only one :slight_smile: xxx