I am hoping that by writing this down I will in some tiny way help me to start to come to terms with what lies ahead. I am 32, I have cervical cancer that is at least a 1b but am expecting a more advanced staging after MRI and PET. I have been told that my fertility will be taken. So here I am with a life-threatening illness, no kids and the prospect of ever having any fading into the distance. My ovaries are definitely going so I’ll go into early menopause. These things have been told to me as definites.
My life has been turned completely upside-down in a couple of days. I have been fearing and expecting this diagnosis for a few months but now it is here I have no idea how the rest of my life is going to play out. I am devastated.
So, things I am afraid of.
- Finding out I’m at Stage 4. The radiologist technician who took my MRI looked like she had seen something bad on the scan. That it had spread. Badly. She got awkward when I asked her about it she got awkward and nervous. When I was leaving I said I was scared and she said ‘I’ll pray for you’. I could hear the funeral bells in the distance.
- Dying. Obviously. I am not ready to go. No-one is.
- Treatment. Whether is is total hysterectomy/radio/chemo it is going to be a battle. A battle that I don’t know how to prepare for.
- Menopause. I am 32. I do not want to lose my sex drive. I do not want to look older than my years.
- Infertility. Having children is pretty much the only definite think I know I want in my life. I have always said it. Now I will never carry a baby. Surrogacy costs money I will never have.
So as you can tell, my life is now a mess. I don’t know if I have a future and if I do that future will be filled with sadness. The constant fear of recurrence. The constant envy of other people’s lives and children. Why can some people have all the things they want but I have been dealt this hand- ‘You might die, but even if you don’t you will spend the rest of your life miserable as the one absolute you had has been taken away. And you’re in menopause’
Even if I do get through this, what man is ever going to want me? What can I possibly offer?
I am trying desperately to think of pluses- I can freeze some eggs. Whatever that will mean for me in the future, I don’t know. But I have to give myself some kind of chance.
On clinical examination the other day the consultant did not feel anything untowards which makes him think it may not be anything beyond a 1b. If it meant JUST getting the op and no radio I think I might feel a small bit better. But with radio the uterus is still there, just it doen’t function. Maybe if I knew it was still inside me, however useless, I wouldn’t feel like so much less of a woman at such a young age.
Anyway as you can tell, I’m very very lost and very very scared.
Can anybody share their experience to in some way help? Can I get through this?
My friends and family have been amazing. I am so thankful for their support.