Hi, I have just had the all clear after being diagnosed with Cervical Cancer last November. I initially refused treatment until I had fertility treatment so that I could harvest my eggs. My doctor assured me that I would be able to have the treatment after I had undergone a hysterectomy as he was leaving my ovaries, he promised me they would be left. When I came round from my operation he told me he had removed them as I would have to have chemoradiation.
As I was leaving the hospital (quite literally while being pushed out the door in a wheel chair) my sister announces she’s pregnant. She found out the day of my operation and decided to travel up north (she lives in London) to tell us the news, then left 2 days later wearing my maternity clothes.
My son is 6 years old, his father (my now x husband) left us when he was 5 weeks old.
My partner also has a 6 year old boy whose mother left (by left I mean she moved to another country) when he was 2 years old, a year later she returned and now has him 3 nights a week, which kills my partner, his son is his whole world and number one priority, he’s so unhappy when he’s gone and it breaks his heart when he has to hand him over (his son screams and cries and begs is not to take him to his mums, it’s heart breaking)
We dreamed of having our own children, completing our family, our whole life is about being the best parents we can be for our boys. It’s what brought us together in the first place.
It absolutely kills me that I can’t have any more children, I want to adopt but I’m scared that as we both already have our boys, who we’re so close to and can see so much of ourselves in, would we be able to feel the same about a child who doesn’t share that same connection? I would hate for any child to feel that they weren’t loved as much as their brothers because of something so stupid as genetics. I then hate myself for thinking that this could even be a possibility.
As the months have rolled by I’m now the only female of my generation in our family who isn’t pregnant. My sister, my cousins (4 of them) and even my best friend is pregnant. I’m so happy for them and yet so jealous. I feel like I’m becoming bitter and angry and I don’t want to be. My smile is becoming harder to force and I just don’t have it in me to pretend any more and so I remove myself away from them. It’s not their fault I can’t have children. If I were in their position I wouldn’t let someone else’s infertility dictate when I think is the best time to have a family.
Then to top it off there’s the guilt, the guilt of knowing how lucky I am to already have a son and still feeling that I still want more. The anger that surges when I’m told “be glad you already have a son” I am glad!!! He’s so amazing he’s another reason why it hurts so much, I want to give him the brother or sister he’s been asking for for the last 4 years. I want to feel the same way I do about him for another child. He’s my everything, he’s the reason I love being a mother. He’s the reason I’m still here.