Concerned.. not getting much of an answer.. please don't judge

Hey, so I'm gonna give you the whole story.. please bare with me.. so I had an abnormal pap test that showed high grade precancerous cells on my cervix.. I went for an appointment with my gynecologist, he looked at my cervix under a microscope and he told me that it isn't cancer but would like to do a cone biopsy to clear the cells so it doesnt become cancer in 5-10 years. So the procedure was booked in February, a week before the appointment I found out that I was was unplanned and a surprise to my boyfriend and I.  So I called the gynecologist immediately and was told that we will reschedule the appointment for a couple months after I deliver the baby. So I then made an appointment with my dr, everything went well at that appointment but I was really early in my pregnancy around 5 weeks.. so we dated my due date to the 29th of October..  which is my birthday believe it or not.  So fast forward about a week or so and I started having cramping and some spotting. I already have a two year old daughter and didnt experience any spotting with her.. so I became really concerned and went to the emergency room.. they tell me that this could be normal and booked me for an ultrasound the next day, I go for the ultrasound and then back to the hospital for the results.. they tell me that the baby is measuring really small and no heartbeat was detected, but they suggested waiting another week and having another ultrasound done.. so the following week.. I wake up. Still having pregnancy symptoms, I drink an obnoxious amount of water cause I know at 8 weeks gestation they should be able to do an abdominal ultrasound with a full bladder..  I go In and the tech asks me if I'd be comfortable doing another transvaginal ultrasound.. at that point my heart dropped and I knew where this was going but i agreed.. so we do that and she tells me that she doesnt see a heartbeat. On this day, the hospital is now on lockdown because of covid 19 so I was there alone, I was also ordered to test me hcg levels.. so sobbing I walk over to labs and get the bloodwork.. the ultrasound tech put a urgent read order on the ultrasound and I got a call from a nurse at my drs office telling me that I'm having a missed miscarriage and it was a Friday afternoon so they just let me go through the weekend with that on my mind.. my whole world crumbled from under me that day. So of course my anxiety makes me go nuts and I start reading and reading over the weekend.. Monday rolls around and I get a call as I'm on my way to the hospital for my second round of bloodwork to test my hcg levels and make sure they're dropping. My nurse practitioner calls and confirms the miscarriage, I asked what the ultrasounds showed, she told me the first ultrasound showed the baby measuring at 6 weeks and 2 days gestation with no heartbeat and the second ultrasound showed the baby measuring at 7 weeks and 4 days with no heartbeat, she told me that there was most likely a chromosomal abnormality, the abnormal cells on my cervix didnt cause this to happen and that it just happens. I've never had a miscarriage before this so this was all new territory for me and really opened my eyes to just how common miscarriages are. She then gives me the option to wait out the miscarriage on my own or opt for medication to speed things along as with the pandemic they want to try to avoid a d&c. I opted for the medication and felt like i was in labour for a good 8 hours.. so she calls the next day and tells me she will follow up with me next week and told me that i can try to conceive again when I'm ready.. So yesterday was monday and when she called I told her I was still bleeding a little bit and still passing clots.. so she told me shes gonna book another ultrasound to make sure there is no retained product of conception and If there is we will have to do the d&c.. and now she suggests I get the biopsy done before trying to conceive again..  when I first found out about the miscarriage I tried to contact my gynecologist and book a phone appointment with him to talk to him about my concerns about potential fertility issues after the cone biopsy.. but with the covid 19 virus and everything he wont accept non urgent calls. So now I'm forced to read as much as possible and trying to weigh my options.. I've already had false hopes from drs, which I know isn't their fault but it is discouraging for me.. for example I was induced 2 weeks early with my daughter to try to avoid c section..  I was induced on a weekend where my gynecologist was not on call so I had to deal with two drs I've never met. I went through 3 days of being induced, 16 hours of labour and only dilated to 9 cm and ended up having a c section anyway.. I opted for the meds to speed the process along because they wanted to avoid the d&c and now I might have to have one anyway.. so now in my head.. the cells are slow growing and it isn't cancer yet and can take like a decade to become cancer.. they were already gonna do the biopsy a couple months after I delivered with my last pregnancy.. I'm scared of going through with the biopsy now and having my chances of conceiving again shredded..  I've read incompetent cervix is something that can happen, the cervix can heal shut so then theres no chance of conceiving naturally. I've read that theres a chance where the cells can come back and then they offer to do a hysterectomy. I've also read that after the biopsy it would be recommended I wait 6 months to a year afterwards to conceive..  I'm frustrated by the amount of medical professionals that I feel have not allowed me to talk about my concerns and wants moving forward, I'm not having my questions answered and feel like I'm alone and being shrugged to the side. 

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. What a heart breaking loss for you to deal with. I don't really have any definite answers for you as I'm past my childbearing years so I didn't have that to contend with. I have read in some other posts about the risks of carrying a baby to term depending how large an area they remove for biopsy but I have no experience of that myself. It is a tough decision. I wonder if it would help if they did an EUA (examination under anaesthetic) to see what's going on before making a decision about treatment. I really hope you get an appointment to see someone soon to discuss your options. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault. 
x Maria

Thank you so much for your kind response.  I talked to my nurse practitioner again yesterday about the results from my ultrasound, she said that they believe I have passed all of the product of conception, so i have to go for more bloodwork to find out if my hcg level has dropped dramatically. She said she also talked to my general practitioner about conceiving again and they both agree that I should have the biopsy first but ultimately it's my decision how I want to proceed. I told my boyfriend about what was said and asked his opinion about it all and we ended up having a horrid argument cause I'm terrified..  I'm so lost as to what to do and I have to wait a couple months to see my gynecologist to even talk to him about what I want and my concerns.. I've literally never felt so broken in my entire life. 

This must be so hard but I think it is sensible to follow any medical advice you are given. You can always ask them what it may mean for future pregnancies before having the biopsy. Regarding your argument with your partner, emotions are really high for you both right now. Although what you need is a lot of love and support, he must be feeling lost too. Do you both have someone really close you can talk to (mother/sister, brother/friend). Although I didn't tell many people about my diagnosis, I did confide in a sister whom I spoke to every day which really helped. Unfortunately, trying to keep your mind off things at the moment is even harder in this crazy world of ours. Try to get out once a day and try to keep lines of communication open with your partner. You both really need each other right now.

x Maria

I'm definitely going to follow the medical advice I just am having a hard time with the waiting period to see the gynecologist, cause I wont be able to talk to him for another month or two which feels like ages away from now. I've been talking to a lot of my family about what's going on and my fears about it, but I dont think anything is going to help until I can finally talk to the gynecologist unfortunately.  How is everything going with you ? I hope you're doing alright. 

I'm glad you've got family support around you. I'm good thank you. It feels like my treatment finished a month ago but it's already been 5 months. Treatment was manageable and so far side effects have not been as bad as I though they would be. I hit menopause a month after treatment finished and thankfully apart from some regular hot flushes I seem to be getting off lightly. The radiotherapy has left me with some bowel urgency which I hope will improve but I'm doubtful. Again manageable though. Take care of yourself and while you're waiting for your appointment try to keep your body as healthy as possible.