CIN 1

Hello, I'm new to the site.  

I had my smear back in October, I was told I think about the HPV test, but thought no worries I have when I have changed partners bee and got checked which I think is the correct thing to do.  Two weeks later a letter comes with results, we found HPV, mild which is an sti, but it doesn't go and a pile of cancer leaflets and invitation to a colposcopy.  Scared the living day lights out of me.  I did as it advised and went to see the nurse who did the exam.  Don't worry its nothing to worry about-huh, what about the leaflets?  Then a 5 week wait for colposcopy, when I got there I have to say I was cold.  The position, 3 people in the room, had to sort that out, I don't want a chat whilst someone has their head between my legs.  After I was told its very common what we see in lots of ladies.  Does it come back?  Well they can't answer that can they.  On the web I go, really scary stories, looked on here, those big words CANCER everywhere and all people say is don't worry-hilarious, had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming-am I human etc.  I have confided in two males friends and who nothing about it, thats ok I said they don't test you.  You could have it and pass it on to a lady etc.  

I got a letter a few weeks after the colposcopy saying they were holding myresults for their monthly discussion!  But not to be unduly concerned or worried-what really?  I am human, I have emotions.  I phoned in a rage of panick, being upset and disbelief they could be so insensitive and prolong the agony.  I got the results when they phoned me back explaining they were deciding whether or not to give me treatment.  Now why could they not write that instead?  Simple.

Another 4 week wait, I asked for a female doctor to do the loop, I have CIN 1 with a few other small changes so they decided that was best course of action.  A man doing it would be a no go.  I am having local as I don't want to be there any longer than nescessary.  I feel sick at the thought the thought of the instrusive procedure.  I shall listen to the music.  Then another wait which they said was to make sure they removed all the CIN but reading on here thats not the case.  I have been told its not cancer but a treatment to advoid it.  Umm not so sure.

I can only go so far with treatment for that, I can't deal with it and I have no support.  I can't tell my mum I have another sti.  I caught Herpes from a boyfriend when I was very young and that has always controlled me and through that I made mistakes and now I have this after all the 25 years of being careful and being checked.  That doesn't mean I have slept around I was married for a long time.  How now being single am I ever supposed to move on?  I have two boys and I am not putting them through hell.  I do carework I see ill people and some young.

I am going to get some counselling but it won't help as they won't know about this.  I need close support which I don't have.  And as for taking someone with me to the hospital really no chance.

The thing that keeps me going is sport, I can't swim but will continue mountain biking after a few days off.  This can't control your life right.  Its already going to be a year  after the 6 month repeat smear to see if its good or bad news.

I think the way its handled is wrong.  The nurse at the doctors should know more and explain in detail what it is and what happens at your smear test.  I wasn't going to go for the first time ever and now I do wish I hadn't.  I have to live with a noose round my neck.  Some people cope and some don't.  I think the NHS are very dis-compassionate and need to address that.  I would say I have contact with the colposcopy nurse, otherwise it would be even worse.

The other thing is when you have a smear you have a nurse at the colposcopy there were 3 but I got rid of one-I don't get that.  I don't need an audience, sometimes its acceptable and sometimes it isn't at all

And if I go on to have a hysterectomy thats not good either is it, all my mum did was moan about things and you put on weight, I pride myself on keeping very fit and compete at 46years to a reasonable level.  Thats my sanity.

Thats is a bit long I know!

I have also just read on cervical screening and looked at the summary.  I have CIN1 with a few very slight changes.  I had to go for colposcopy and have been asked to have a lettz treatment.  It shows differently on the summary.  Why is that?  Is there something they are not telling me?  On my first letter back from the original smear in one of the leaflets it said mild is normally left to go back on its own and monitured so why have then decided to give treatment?  And what really are the risks and why a urine test?  Being single and 46 I am not pregnant.  I have asked the nurse lots of questions but I do feel the way it was and is handled has caused me to become very anxious and I feel like a leper.  I cannot ever have a relationship with this knowing that I may pass it on.  Any ideas please?