can't cope :(

Hi ladies I had abnormal smear with high grade dyskaryosis as some of u know.i have colopscopy 23rd.i really struggling to cope..working, home life, xmas and this!! Im sick of fighting the tears back. .especially hard in front of my children..im fearing the worst I really am..eveveryone around me is saying I be fine ect but truth is no one actually knows.i feel like begging the nurses to do something sooner but also feel like I dont want to know..my partner works evenings and im fed up of being alone I just want him to hug me and tell me everything is fine. .ive tried the hotline on here today and they closed. .just feel so alone xx

Hello hun. I can completely sympathise with you - I understand your worries totally! You will see SO many other women agree that the waiting is by far the worst part! Do try to keep yourself busy hun, I know it's really hard not to think about, I really do. But you have to try to put it to the back of your mind, at least until you have had your colposcopy. In my experience (so far) your smear is just to detect abnormal cells, the colposcopy itself examines further to see what level/grade it's at. The smear is excellent in detecting abnormalities, but it isn't at determining what grade. I was told from my smear result that I had 'low grade dyskariyosis' I, like you, was a mess! The colposcopy is absolutely fine - it's not painful, just a little uncomfortable. She actually couldn't really see much at the colposcopy, just the tiniest bit but took 2 biopsies anyway which came back as CIN1, they decided to use the 'wait and watch' approach, as 90% of the time the cells go back to normal spontaneously and therefore, doesn't require treatment. I have a whole year until my follow up smear and that is also worrying. But.. I have learnt not to worry, worrying wont change a thing, it will just make things worse! In my case anyway as I'm a born worrier lol! But if you are severe grade, they will do the necessary treatment for you and remove all the abnormal cells, which is almost always 100% successful with no reoccurrence! You will be fine hun! you're in the right hands an you're in the system so they will keep their eye on you. Do not let it control your life hun, there are so much they can do now to treat the abnormalities and even IF they did find CC, it is a very slow progressing cancer and is also easily treatable. Waiting really is the worst part! Just keep busy hun! Good luck.. Big hugs xxx

Thanks hun :) I just feel mess currently sobbing in bathroom avoiding the kids :/ I flick between feeling strong that everything going to be ok to having a complete melt down. .how long did u have to wait between results and the colposcopy? Im hating that its few days before xmas incase he says looks cancerous..would be worst xmas ever  xx

Hun, you wouldn't be normal unless you felt that way. We have all been there! If they were highly concerned hun, they would have you in ASAP. I waited a couple of weeks I think between my results and the colposcopy, it wasn't too long. I teceieved the results from my biopsies 3 weeks later. If they are particularly concerned, they tend to fast track your results to get you in for treatment quicker. Or they will offer you treatment at your colposcopy hun depending on how severe they think it is. It may be that you just need the lletz treatment hun to remove the bad cells and that's it. After that, they will probably just refer you back for another smear or colposcopy in 6 months time to make sure no abnormalities are still there. Honestly hun, there is so much they can do that you needn't be worried. Severe dyskariyosis doesn't mean cancer, they are doing the colposcopy so they know exactly what it is and what treatment to use. It's natural to think the worse! Just keep yourself busy, enjoy your time with your children, it's Christmas :) don't let it change the way you live or your happiness! Xxx

Thank u so mucj for taking the time to reply and for the reassurance its very nice of you..I feel bit better now ive had a mini melt and for ur replies :) going to try enjoy an evening of xmas card writing with my son xx

I know how you feel. That was me in June 2012. I had a 2 year old and 8 month old and i couldn't look at them without crying. My smear results came through for high grade svere changes, HSIL. Within 3 working days they had me in the hospital for colposcopy. I was sure with referring me so fast i had cancer. Why the urgency i was thinking. At the colposcopy they did LLETZ treatment there and then. I had myself convinced it would be more than CIN3. I cried constantly. Looking at my kids wondering would i see them grow up. All those sorts of things. I rang every 2 days to see if my results were back. After 9 or 13 days i got the results over the phone and a few weeks later the letter to say confirmed CIN3. I was still terrified up until my 6 month check and those results. I had my 18 month smear and HPV test last week, again i can feel the nerves. 

What you are feeling is normal. Like you i hated when my partner said everything would be ok, i wanted to scream but you don't know that, no one knows. Even the consulant telling me the chance of it being more than CIN3 was 1%. I had myself convinced i was that 1 in 100. It has changed me totally, i am now a very nervous worrier

Wishing you all the best. Such a horrible time of year to be going through this. 

Thank you for your reply as yes ive convinced myself its going to bad...I hate the change of emotions..One minute I don't want to be alone n next minute I want to be :( absolutely hating this..I know the chances are minimal but to me thats still a chance..xx