can you relate?

Hi, i’m new here. To be honest, i don’t know where else to go or who to talk to.
It has been 6 years since i was first diagnosed with cervical cancer and am “all clear” which is incredible. I was diagnosed as stage 2b2 and was advised that delaying my treatment for egg collection would not be the best option. ultimately i know this was the right decision and I rationalised the situation by believing that i couldn’t be a mother if i was dead. I dont regret this decision but im finding it hard to live with. if that makes sense?
i am fortunate to have friends who do not have children (by choice) and of course i have friends and family who do have children. I always enjoy spending time with the kids and i had been fine for such a long time.
I have a friend who i have known for the last 24 years, we were once best friends. There are a series of things she has said to me that have made me distance myself from her. This was the start of my downward spiral with a comment she made 18 months ago. since then i feel like i am unravelling slowly. I think this is impacted by the fact i cant show my emotion. I have shed tears twice in the last 6 years and it was just tears - i want to sob and nothing comes out, i feel like im being strangled.
This was my trigger : My “friend” was telling me how desperate her and her boyfriend were to start a family and that it was " easy" for me because i know i couldn’t have children. i quickly and calmly corrected her, informing that is is not “easy” and that it is something that i have had to accept. 4 months later she texts me on my birthday saying " my gift to you is that you can tell everyone i’m pregnant!"… not an appropriate gift for any infertile woman!
Since then i have been more sensitive about my childless situation.
I am single and have been dumped fairly quickly once i tell them i cant have children - on more than 3 occasions. i dont think this has helped me.

sorry this has been an epic waffle!
does anyone else understand how i feel? or been through similar? or am i just nuts?

Hi Jamalam:

First of all, huge congrats on being all clear after 6 years. That's a fantastic place to be, so well done you for looking after yourself so well.

Even the right decision can be tough to live with, especially when you have to deal with the consequences on a daily basis. Maybe your friend is so caught up with her own life and her own joy at becoming pregnant that she failed to consider how you might feel.  That's not to excuse her, but it may be thoughtlessness rather than meaness that prompted her words. Still not easy for you to hear though, or to deal with. I'm sure most women would feel exactly the same as you do.

Have you considered talking things through with a therapist? You've had to handle an awful lot of crap these last six years and maybe you need some gentle help to release some of the sorrow and shock of what's gone on. Infertility, whatever the cause, can be a massive blow to many women who may not have even thought about kids until they found they couldn't have them. And of top of that you've had all the worry of CC too.

As for men leaving when they found out you couldn't have kids, forget them - they're worthless. Before all this, if you had fallen in love with a man who couldn't have kids would you have left him? Exactly. When you meet the man who falls in love with you, he won't care about that because you and he will build your lives together. If you want kids, maybe you'll adopt, maybe use a surrogate, maybe stay a loving child free couple. Who knows? You'll figure that out together further down the road.

You deserve to be happy so do what it takes.

Take care,

t x


 i hope ur ok am 34 no kids just had a radical hysterectomy , am so material and a great auntie no partner so I decided my best treatment was the RH , yest I was giving the all clear am sure I will go through loss etc of having no kids but I just think am here and I think everyone would rather have that , it's so hard doin wot I done i just hope ur ok


I'm 34 and can relate to you on a couple of levels. 

I had to have a hysterectomy at 32 and if I am honest it's taken two years for me to Get my head around what has happened. I would still give anything to be a mother and my husband and I are starting to consider adoption and our options. But I struggle, a lot, with the fact that this feels unfair and have to remind myself that I am alive and cancer free and that that is the better option.

In the process of being poorly and getting better I lost my best friend too. She sent me an email whilst I was in hospital explaining how difficult it had been for her to deal with my diagnosis; to be honest, I couldn't take her very seriously after that. So I feel the loss of that friendship and the loss of a chance at is hard and draining and sad. I have laughed to the point of hysteria and sobbed until I have fallen asleep, but overall I have talked and talked and talked and I would guess that this would do you good too. It sounds like everything is whirling around for you, and as another post suggests, I think you need to get some of that out..


wishing you all the best

Ruthie xx

And I have called you Shelley! So sorry xxx