Boyfriend dumped me 4 days after my LLETZ procedure

Relationships
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Hi everybody. I’m new to this forum but have been reading posts on here while I have been undergoing treatment and it’s been a real help so far. I was hoping you lovely ladies could offer me some advice in my current situation.

Jumping straight into it: I am 25 years old and had my first smear in early February this year. My results came back showing low grade dyskaryosis with HPV, however colposcopy confirmed that there was a nasty patch of cells that had to be removed. While the doctor assured me that they were unlikely to be cancerous, I was out of my mind with worry. I had my LLETZ done last Wednesday under general anaesthetic, and 4 days later, my boyfriend whom I loved very much broke up with me. He insisted that it wasn’t to do with the HPV, but because he did not want a long term relationship and he had been feeling this way for a while. On top of this, we work together, and though I am signed off for post op recovery for the next couple of days I am dreading returning to the office and facing him and my colleagues.

I can’t afford to change my job as I am currently applying for a mortgage.

I told my lady boss which procedure I was having done before I went on sick leave, and she can figure out from that that I have HPV. Now my boyfriend has left me, I worry this will create stigma around me in the workplace, i.e. ‘No wonder he left her, she had an STD’ etc etc

I worry I will never feel attractive again post-procedure and that future partners will reject me based on my diagnosis. What if I find someone else I like and they make me feel like I’m not good enough, because I have had this illness?

I worry that my condition will get worse and I will have the stress of further treatment, the breakup, the work I have to catch up on, and the mortgage application hanging over my head while I try to recover.

One positive is that my LLETZ recovery has been easy so far from a physical perspective - apart from the absolute nuisance of having to use pads all the time while I’m healing. I just wish the emotional and mental recovery could be as easy. To cope with the heartbreak I have signed up for activities in the next month to take my mind off things (book clubs, fitness courses etc) so I can meet new people and try new things, but still feel that things are pretty bleak right now. If anybody could offer me some advice as to how to overcome the self esteem issues (particularly in relationships) that would be much appreciated.

Thank you :slight_smile:

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First of all most sexually active people have had hpv. It is THE most common virus passed on and isn't usually treated as it can dissappear on it own. 

I was never tested for hpv but given I had cervical cancer it was almost 100% certainty I had it at some point. If he left you for that reason then he's an idiot and he will come across another female with the same infection in his lifetime. 

Focus on healing for now, you may never need another treatment again 

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I find it very hard to believe there is a stigma around HPV There might as well be a stigma around coldsores. It's incredibly ignorant. 80 % of adults have it. Your boss is compelled to keep it secret and may not even make a connection. Hopefully he leaves the creep

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I know this is an old post, but I was wondering how you were doing now. I just got dumped by my bf of 3 years 2 weeks ago...conveniently after my LLETZ. 

He says it doesn't have anything to do with that, but I'm not entirely sure. 

Looking for some words of wisdom as I work through this difficult time in my life. 

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Hi Vat5dw,

 

Thank you for reaching out. I'm at work and not really meant to be responding to this but didn't want to leave you hanging!!

 

When I wrote the above post, I was in a very dark place mentally and emotionally and it's still something I am struggling with to this day, though it is getting easier. Even though a lot of my initial fears were unfounded in hindsight, my lack of self esteem made bouncing back extremely difficult. I am lucky in that I have 2 clear smears since my LLETZ treatment but the 6 months waiting for the checkup were the longest of my life. My next smear is in October and I can feel thd dread creeping back in but trying to keep it at bay. My advice for you would be as follows:

- I worried at the time of posting that 25 was too late to 'start again' with a new partner after diagnosis, and that my sex life and ability to have children would be impacted. I haven't tried for a baby yet so not sure how this will go when it happens, but in terms of intimacy etc, nobody I have dated since has cared that I have HPV or that I have had surgery. I insist on barrier methods but no way will I keep this up forever. My ex boyfriend later admitted that he never wanted children but didn't seem to care that much about the HPV, once he realised it most likely wouldn't affect him at all. My current partner is a lot more supportive and actually seems to 'get' how upset I was about the whole process, for which I am grateful.

- The best thing for me post surgery & breakup was getting out of the house and involved in new hobbies. I don't know if this will resonate with you at all but I was unable to spend a lot of time alone in the early weeks due to intrusive negative  thoughts, and so signed up for lots of clubs on Meetup, which allowed me to make lots of new friends and learn new things. Two years on this has had a huge positive impact on my life and I am now finally getting comfortable in my own company again.

- Once I started to get my confidence & sense of humour back, my ex (who I still worked with for the rest of that year) came back around and I took him back for a further 3 months. He dumped me after I got my new flat and confessed that his 'change of heart' had been entirely fake and he didn't see a future with me after all. Please do be wary of this if a possibility of a reconciliation presents itself as even if it wasn't the main reason for your breakup (it wasn't with mine in the end), if someone will not care for you and support you when you are ill and stressed, they are not worth the time of day and will only hold you back. In one way or another, it's a betrayal, and I 100% regret giving my ex the time of day after how he behaved.

- I was open with close friends and family about what I was going through but when I was still grieving my relationship and struggling 2 months on, they seemed a bit perplexed and didn't really know what to do with me. Occasionally I still want to talk about my breakup and how it made me feel and I get shut down every time! At that point I should have gone to my GP and requested grief counselling as this would have really helped me. As it was, I've mostly bottled up the pain that I was feeling or downplayed it which I'm not sure was healthy. The loss of a relationship truly can make you experience grief and if you are suffering, do not listen to people who tell you you should be 'over it'; everyone recovers at their own pace.

- I became obsessed with reading medical papers on LLETZ recovery rates, impact on fertility, all that jazz, and doing all the research I could. My doctor actually picked up on this and would not disclose the CIN level I had or what strains I had etc (I suspect that I had CIN3 and know now that I have a high risk strain). Again I'm not sure if this will resonate with you but I think I was driven to do this from a need for reassurance and sense of control over my situation. It actually made me a bit of a hypochondriac. I would recommend you avoid reading info on statistics, recovery rates etc as it made my emotional recovery 500% worse. Eat well, take vitamins (beta carotene is meant to be good for gynae health), attend checkups and be kind to yourself and your brain.

 

I accidentally hit 'publish' a little while ago but went back and edited it to add the above advice. I hope this is helpful and I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.