Big time wobble

I am literally driving myself mad now. I have my ct and mri scans on Tuesday, at two different hospitals 20 miles apart, and with not a lot of time to get between them. This is not what they would normally do but because the dr wanted them for the meeting on Thursday, it has to be this way. So, I am stressing about that, and stressing that the cc is somewhere else that I don’t know about. After all, I didn’t know I had this to start with. I am also stressing that if it comes to chemo/rad, the hospital for this is soooooo far away. I am the only driver, it’s in a big city which I hate driving in, what if I am not able to drive? What if I get there ok but feel too bad to get myself home? What if I am ‘down’ for a while, will my husband cope with work, the dogs, the house, the shopping, looking after me? Aaaargghh my head is minced with it.
Also, I have only told a very limited amount of people who are close to me, but have not said anything to my sisters yet, that’s annoying me. They are both ex heroin users, and are still ’ self medicating’ after not coping after losing our parents. I don’t want to be responsible for them taking anything worse if they get stressed out even more.
I keep saying to myself that this time next week I will hopefully know what’s happening, so I will maybe feel a bit better. This is going to be a seriously long week now.
Thanks for listening
Tracey x

Hi Tracey. I was just logging on to message you, but then saw you'd posted. Like you, I'm sick with worry about my MRI and consultant tomorrow. I know I won't find out everything, as I expect she'll book me in for an exam under general anaesthetic, but I'm scared of what I might have to face - on the flip side, she might tell me something reassuring, but it's hard to train your brain to be positive! i am sorry to hear about your sisters, that makes it so much harder if you can't rely on their strength. I have told my sisters, best friend and my kids (13 and 14), but until I know what the plan is I haven't told my parents - they are frail and I am concerned how they'll cope with it. I'm thinking if I can tell them I have a treatment plan, it'll be easier to appear positive - I'm not sure how or if your sisters might respond to that approach though. Have you good friends to rely on? I think now is the hardest, as we can't explain much or answer the questions people ask - I'm thinking once I know what I need itll be easier to ask for support. On the husband front, I expect he'll cope - because there's no option. In an emergency we all seem to find strategies and energy we didn't think we had and we manage things we would never have thought we'd get through. I guess our husbands need a support network of friends, just as much as us, and I think that after the initial crap we will find that    a few good resourceful friendships are there to help - plus we've got each other for the odd rant! Take care and let's keep each other updated as the week goes on.

Anne xx

Hey Anne

we really are in the same position eh? well apart from the junkie sisters. Your scan is tomorrow isnt it? Are you still managing to go to work ok? I am,but its hard having to lie to my workmates. My boss knows,and is being really good with me,even tho she thinks I should take time off. I have told 3 of my very best friends,who are there whenever I need them thankfully. Hubby is amazing as well,I just worry about the stress on him. 

I think its good you have not said to your parents yet,I dont think I would either. Altho my mum was my rock and my world,I dont think she would have coped with this very well. As for the sisters,its an awkward one. I think to myself,why am I worrying about them and what they might do?

Thank goodness we have each other to rant to haha. You take care as well,and hope all goes well tomorrow. And promise we will keep each other posted.

Tracey xx

I'm a teacher, so I'm off work anyway at the moment. I'll have to let my boss know soon, as I'm assuming I won't be going back n September. It's good that your boss is understanding. in the meantime I'm trying to keep busy at home and the occasional family trip out. To be honest, I've had wobbly legs and pelvic pain since the biopsy, so I've not been doing much...although the aches and pains might well be in my head, or at least not as bad, and I might not be noticing them if I was busy at work. 

Anne x

Hi tracey

its so hard when life throws a huge curve ball, everything seems to just keep piling up. Then the thoughts start about who will do what and when and how. 

First, you will have to give some control up and trust your husband can handle the extra responsibilities.  Also, no worries if you have 2scans in one day. Just make sure you mention at the first hospital that you have to be at another and they will most likely make sure you get in on time. That happened to me during my diagnoses and they totally understood. 

I'm driving myself everyday about 45 km to and from my treatment centre and so far I've been fine. I also am not a big fan of driving in a bigger city but I have a route that I take and now I'm use to it so it's not so bad. I will be having my husband come with me when I do my brachy as I'm told I will be drowsy from the meds. I havnt felt bad at all except for some diarrhea but it didnt kick in immediatly I was able to make it home with time to spare. 

Everyone reacts different but most can handle treatment. Have a back up plan. maybe consider staying closer in a hotel if possible. There is someone else in treatment right now who is doing that. Read through some posts. 

Being the cornerstone of the family makes it hard to realize that we have to trust in others to get the job done. And although they might not be able to manage it as well we have to let others help. For our sake and there's. 

Telling people is a personal choice and it took me about a month from diagnosis to tell more then just close family members. It's a personal journey. That will sort itself out on its own in time. 

I hope you all the best for your treatment. Stay positive and strong. Don't worry about the unknown facts just focus on what you can do with what you do actually know. 


Hi Tracey :-_


OK, so let's get practical here :-) Get to your first appointment ahead of time and tell them about the second one straight away, that should clear that little hurdle. Beyond that, the only people you need to be considering right now are you and your husband. Does he have adequate support? It's very common for the patient to get all the attention and support and the partner to be sidelined. It's very important that this doesn't happen so do make sure that he has an ally. 

I don't have enough experience to be able to offer any help with the sisters, I suppose that depends enormously on how much you love them, but I would imagine that keeping schtum for now would be my approach. It may be of huge help to them to learn one day that you coped with cancer and got over it. It might possibly be the proof they need to understand that they do not need to self-medicate. But as I said, this is not within my sphere of experience.

Be lucky :-)

Well the appointments issue has just been solved. Got a letter saying my 8.30am one tomorrow is now moved to Wednesday,one less thing to stress about. 

Thankyou Tivoli and Lolli for your replies,I am calmer today.

Tracey x