Back in the waiting game! Driving myself mad

Hi ladies

The subject title says it all: I’m back in the waiting game again! I’d forgotten what fun it is: travelling home from work with increasing anxiety and a sense of foreboding; walking up my streets with trembly legs; finally opening the door and discovering to my relief/disappointment – no letter! Or finding a letter, and guessing from its size as to whether it’s good news (in which case small) or bad (bulky because it contains one of those booklets featuring smiling ladies of all ages, telling you what your smear results mean – I have enough of those to start a library now).

As this is my second follow up smear, I’m no stranger to this. Yet this is worse than ever before. Perhaps because the first time I received my abnormal cells letter, I wasn’t expecting there to be anything wrong, having always had clear smears. After my colposcopy and lletz, the nurses were so reassuring that when the letter arrived assuring me everything had been removed successfully, it was a relief but not a huge surprise. At my first follow up smear, I was expecting things to be OK, so it was a big shock to get the letter saying I had abnormal cells. Luckily my smear was normal but HPV was still present.

This time…well, it’s more complicated. Several factors are contributing to my anxiety:

·         It’s been over a year since my lletz. I’m worried that the HPV in my system has had time to regroup and cause mischief once again

·         At my first follow up in March, I bled. The nurse asked me to come back at a later stage in my cycle. I bled again at this smear, although there was less blood and she managed to take a sample. However, she warned me there’s the possibility it could come inconclusive

·         So in addition to the worrying presence blood, I am also faced with the possibility of the letter saying it was unsuccessful!

·         My wedding is in August and I desperately want this to be over with by then

·         We want to start trying for a baby this year – I’m 34, so have left it quite late. If I have to have another lletz treatment, I’m worried about the effect this will have

I am keeping my fears realistic – I know the chances of it being cancer are very small. But I am worried about my fertility, and if the HPV will ever leave my system.

I realise that compared to what many of you are going through right now, this is small change and I haven’t much right to whinge. But I am really struggling. Sitting at my desk trying not to cry, not sleeping too well and it’s making me feel a bit unwell - I have IBS which is easily triggered by stress so let’s just say I’ve been making a lot of bathroom visits!! (sorry for TMI).

Writing it down and sharing it is cathartic, and does help. If anyone has any tips or advice on calming the hell down and putting things into perspective, I’d really appreciate hearing them!

 

My thoughts are with all of you xxx

Hi i can't offer much help but try to focus on your wedding and all the happy years together you will have . I wish there was a pill we could all take that sped things up and erase all the bad and worrying thoughts we have during these times but also in a way feel it makes us stronger . I'm taking things day to day atm waiting for results from my LLetz . Hope you have a wonderful wedding all the best xx

Hiya, first off never feel like you're fears and worries are insignificant 

we are all here for similar reasons yes there are ladies who are in worse positions then

yourself however this site is for everyone going through the hell of either abnormal cells HPV or god forbid CC diagnosis.

i know that with ech Lletz treatment your cervix gets weaker however if you were to fall pregnant and need the treatment it is perfectly fine to do in

pregnant women according to tge lovely booklets I have, also the midwife would keep an extra eye on you. 

Please try and concentrate on the more positive side such as your wedding as for your age my mum had a baby at 40 women

are having children later and later xxx

Thanks for the lovely replies, ladies. That means a lot to me. In my more rational moments, I feel it will be fine, but they don't always happen! Panda - yes, would be great if we could erase the bad thoughts, I try red wine which helps temporarily, but the hangover means they come back double the next day!! Best of luck to you both xx

Lol yep red wine would do that too :) I don't drink so I couldn't even escape via that . But honestly when u get your bad moments just put urself in the right attitude and take a few moments it does pass and is perfectly normal to be all over the place and your allowed to be having ppl around you when u need them helps . I flipped out at my poor husband one day lucky he let me have my mini melt down and took me out for dinner then other times I have felt alone ! So strange how all this seems to play mind gMes with us ! Can't wait till it all over and have a normal coke ( normaly diet ) with a wedge of lemon wow look at me pushing the boat out lol xx

Morning Charlotte

Love your post, it made me smile as i can sympathise with a lot of it and the way you have worded it made me giggle. You have a good outlook on it all. The wait is horrible!!

I recently got my clear results back, but had a phone call from my nurse last night saying that she was refering me back to colposcopy... I am now freaking out in small doses. The nurse said that she was just being over cautious given my history, but she has never refered me before and i've been going every six months for the last three years. So alarm bells are ringing. :-0

The one positive is that my weight is dropping with the worry. :-)

Let us know how you get on hun. xx