Angry

I have woken up angry this morning...........I need to get this all off my chest:

So im angry as I have to have more treatment and im angry that im 37 and have to do this, I have always looked after my body, gone for smears when asked to do, and it happened anyway.  After my surgery there was a 20% chance that I had to have the chemo and the radiation, I thought great an 80% chance of not, surely im gonna get in those odds....but no I didnt I got in the 20% .

People keep saying its gonna be good and your gonna be okay, yes I know I am and I am grateful that I am and I know people have it far worse than me but I am sick of people saying that, 'Emma be grateful they found it' and 'Emma 5 more weeks, easy'

Easy....thats a good word isnt it, easy for who because they don't have to go through with this 'easy' treatment.  Dont get me wrong I will just get on with it and I will smile but only people who have been affected by cancer  really understands how it feels for the doctor to say you have cancer, in that one moment your life stops and everyone around you just carries on, although family are affected they cannot even begin to really get it, the day I was diagnosed I went to the shop for some bits and bobs and ended up buying two wedding cards one for each of my daughters to write as at the time I thought if things are bad im going to write them now while I can....... 

My partener has been supportive but its hard to talk to him about it all as his mum died from cancer 2 years ago and hes still grieving for her, I feel like I cant talk about it when Im around him, god its hard, the person who I love very much hardly talks to me at the moment because hes frightened to death, how terrible is that its causing a strain.

I was in the chemist yesterday and the chemist asked if I paid for medication I said no as I am being treated for cancer and am waiting for my exemption to come through, she was lovely and I went to sit down and a woman physically moved her child away from me, as though I was diseased and dirty I said to her "its okay its not catching"  and this is when I started to feel angry, I want my life back I want to carry on and I want to wake up in the morning and not have to think about bloody cancer........

Im sorry if this is a rant but I have to get it out

Hi emma, i am not in the same situation as you but i can totaly understand how u must be feeling. You have done really well and will continue to do well i am sure, but feeling the way you are right now is normal, you have a right to feel angry. And yes its easy for everybody to say you will be fine and only five more weeks to go, but like you said they are not the ones going through it. And to also have the shock of having to have further treatment must be hard to deal with, sometimes i think family say these things as they dont really know what else to say?

Keep strong emma.

luv sky x x x x

Hi Emma, i’m not surprised your feeling angry. The incident in the chemist must of really upset you, people can be unreal sometimes. I’m so sorry you have to go through more treatment its rubbish to be in that 20%, it means more worrying and waiting when you just want it to be over and done with. Hope everything goes well with your treatment and rant all you want, it helps to get it off your chest, thinking of you sharon x

I think I was okay and felt good till the oncologist started talking about statistics, he said without the radiotherapy and chemo I have a 25% of this damn cancer coming back, with treatment it drops to 5%, which is great but you know how the mind starts to think and last night I thought I have been in the 20% that needed extra treatment so my luck would say that I will probably be in the 5% and I don't want to have that fear.  I said to the consultant that if it came back I would just fight it again and he said that people who have cancer are under the wrong illusion that if it came back it can be cured, he said that people can't keep having treatment its not an option, and that if it came back I would be looked after in a pallative pathwat rather than a cure pathway which I am on now.  God why did he have to talk about % I felt so good ........

Oh Emma...

I'm so sorry for where your head is at at the moment, so feel sorry for myself as I feel like it too. Since being diagnosed last week, I keep reading all your comments and have been so grateful for things you share as you are always so positive. The reality is though that there isn't much positive about this horrible disease and people don't get through it. I made the mistake of finding the threads of people who haven't made it a couple of nights ago. Yes, someone has to be in the 20% and yes someone has to be in the 5%... Life can just be so s?!@ and unfair.

But you can be positive, you have to be. You have two young girls who need you around. No one can wave a magic wand, we can all hope for the best but we have to deal with what happens. Make your husband speak to you. Tell him where your head is. Yes he's scared but so are you.

Thinking of you xxx God bless

Don

im sorry for being so negative and I know in a couple of days I will pick up, thankyou Don its nice to know that people care :)

 

hey Emma

sorry you are having a bad few days and i know that you will be pick yourself up and work through this.

sometimes the medical professionals we have to deal with can be so cold and forget that they are dealing with a human. numbers smumbers...  remember that your body has already put up a strong fight against this disease and will continue to do so.

take care sweets

Pat

x

 

 

Thanks everyone, just fed up with having to be brave sometimes its good to feel sorry for yourself, my CSW said its normal, just want this over with x

Hi Emma,

I just wanted to say that being angry is ok, it's a totally understandable reaction to all you've been through and any way you feel is ok. There is no fairness in this, nobody deserves this stuff, it's just a question of luck really. I certainly have had times when I wanted to lie on the floor, pummel my fists and kick my feet screaming "it's not fair!" in a full-on toddler tantrum. Wink

You can't always do that, but I am a big believer in finding a safe space where you can tell it like it is and get it off your chest. I know you have kids and want to put on a brave face to protect them, but you need to find a space where you can let the mask slip and talk about how you really feel. Adding to your stress by feeling responsible for how everyone else is coping with your illness makes things so much harder, altough we all do it to some extent.

As you say, friends and family don't always get it so I found my local Jo's support group a great place to let it all out. Everybody there understands how it feels to go through this and is very supportive. I also got some one to one counselling through my local Maggie's Centre which was fantastically helpful too.

During our diagnosis and treatment we often go through a run where it seems we get bad news, one time after the other and you do start to think that's the only news you'll ever hear. It can be the case, it's true, but it probably won't be. That's the only value the percentages have as far as I can see. (Do remember that the stats are based on historical data and that treatment effectiveness is improving all the time)

One thing I hope I got better at through all of this was not to worry too much about what might happen or about things I could do nothing about. There's enough to focus on in recovering from surgery and getting strong and ready for the next treatment. That is something you can influence and with your strength of character and motivation you'll do great.

Kick something, eat some chocolate and work out your next steps. You can always rant here any time and nobody will say you shouldn't. xxx

Hi Emma,

i read your post and I really understand why you are angry.  Cancer is just not bloody fair! So let it all out.

How are you feeling today?

Sending you a massive hug,

Tess xxx

 

Ladies - can I ask HOW they found the cancer? through biopsy or through  papsmear? Did any of you have slightly abnormal paps that became more and more abnormal? or did you have something like a standard LLETZ / CONE biopsy that didn't work? I'm just curious and you are ALL so supportive and strong. I am 34years old. I have had abnormal smears for almost 4 years... and told no further treatment needed. Now I need to go in on Wednesday as my GP says they found a HIGH GRADE abnormality on my smear and I will "definitely need surgery". She also hinted that as I have warts (NO ONE has ever mentioned this through all the smears i have had - I didn't even realise the tiny bumps were warts, they look like large pores or something) and because I have had these for years and years, that my body is bad at clearing HPV and I may have a struggle on my hands

 

I know this is different to what you all are going through, and I am probably too worried before I have all the news.. but I wondered if anyone had a similar story to me where it took YEARS of apathy by doctors only to find out I have cancer and maybe somehting could have been done sooner. 

Ladies - can I ask HOW they found the cancer? through biopsy or through  papsmear? Did any of you have slightly abnormal paps that became more and more abnormal? or did you have something like a standard LLETZ / CONE biopsy that didn't work? I'm just curious and you are ALL so supportive and strong. I am 34years old. I have had abnormal smears for almost 4 years... and told no further treatment needed. Now I need to go in on Wednesday as my GP says they found a HIGH GRADE abnormality on my smear and I will "definitely need surgery". She also hinted that as I have warts (NO ONE has ever mentioned this through all the smears i have had - I didn't even realise the tiny bumps were warts, they look like large pores or something) and because I have had these for years and years, that my body is bad at clearing HPV and I may have a struggle on my hands

 

I know this is different to what you all are going through, and I am probably too worried before I have all the news.. but I wondered if anyone had a similar story to me where it took YEARS of apathy by doctors only to find out I have cancer and maybe somehting could have been done sooner.