I've not posted since they changed the forums as I feel a bit of an 'inbetweener' as in I'm past the colposcopy stage but having had 1A1 removed by LLETZ I feel a bit of a fraud being in the 'CC stage' as although I had CC it was unknown to me as it was so tiny and was successfully removed. Having said this because it was diagnosed in the biopsy I am treated by the hospital as having had CC and therefore require a 6 month check up at the colp clinic rather than going to the doctors for a smear.
I'm sorry if this post sounds strange to people and maybe ungrateful but it's hard to talk about the issues I feel with people I know and I would like to see if anyone on here is in the same situation. I've got my 1st 6 month check up on Tuesday and I have to say I can't wait. It seems I've been waiting for the 6 months to go by since I had my 2nd LLETZ and not a day has gone by where I haven't worried about whats going on inside me. I'm very lucky to have 2 children and although I know deep down that my family is complete there has always been a part of me that has said 'never say never'. For this reason when I was asked at my very first appointment about my family I did say that I wanted to save my fertility if I could. Now I'm due my check up I suppose I may need to re-assess this.
I've had a feeling since this all started that it wouldn't be the end for me and in the past week or 2 I have started spottting and getting the odd shooting pain in my cervix- of course this may all be in my head because I know my check up is due etc but you can't help but worry. 6 months down the line I have sold most of my baby stuff so I know that that part of my life is complete. However, the thought of anything permanent being done to my body freaks me out. I'm so grateful for my children and I know some women are not as lucky as me, I also know that I do not want anymore children yet I'm still scared about having to potentially make a decision that will be permanent.
Now this is the part that is hard to write as it sounds so wrong however I try and word it... My biggest fear is having cancer that will take me away from my family. My 2nd biggest fear is living with the fear that every 6 months or 1 year that I will keep developing cells that may turn into cancer. I have lived since March with the constant worry and it drives me crazy. As my diagnosis wasnt life threatening there was never the need for surgery as a cure, only preventative measures which I had. I feel in limbo now as part of me would just like everything taking out so I don't have to deal with another 6 months of constant worry, yet the other part of me would obviously hate this. I am really struggling here how to word this as I know what I want to say but I can't get it out properly.
I guess I just want my old life back where I didn't worry about cancer and thought it happened to other people. I want the option that maybe in a year or 2 there may be a 'surprise baby'. Or I want it taking out my hands where they tell me I 'really should have surgery' to prevent a reaccurence. All I know is that if my results from Tuesday are 'normal' that I still wont rest, maybe for another 6 months or maybe for a year I won't believe it. I think part of me will always wait for it to come back.
God I'm sorry I've just seen I've written a total essay of waffle! Please someone tell me that they know how I feel? Thanks for reading and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone or come across as ungrateful. I know I am very lucky compared to lots of you and I'd hate to upset anyone xxx