1st steps to egg retrival/surrogacy - feeling really flat!

[Haf]

Hi ladies,

I'll apologise in advance for going into detail but i feel like i need to vent and maybe get any feedback from any of you ladies who may have gone through a similar process or maybe ahead of me in the egg retrival process.

As you may or may not be aware, i had a hysterectomy in Sept '08 and 5 and a half weeks of radiotherapy. I made the decision not to retrieve any eggs before the surgery, as it was advised that it was too risky to delay treatment and i completely believe that was the right decision, as thank god i'm here and seem to be cancer free. My ovaries were conserved but just moved up a bit, however I was warned at that point that my ovaries may pack-in or that the eggs may not be of good quality after radiotherapy. However there is a glimmer of hope that egg retrival is still possible, as it seems my ovaries still seem to be functioning. And my lovely sister has always maintained that she would be a surrogate. I actually thought i'd come to terms with the possibility of never having my own biological child back then at the treatment stage, but i suspect i was in survival mode and the fertility issues were put aside....until yesterday!

I had my 1st appointment to discuss the whole process of egg retrival and surrogacy. It wasn't a very positive day to be honest. I had a blood test to find out what my egg count is (which i had to pay £80 for the privilage) the bloody nurse (sorry for the language) was so tactless as in "why don't you have a womb?" and then gave me the most painful blood test ever (and my god i've had plenty) which has resulted in a big bruise, to which i wanted to answer "err...read your bloody notes you inept moron". But i just mumbled "because i had cervical cancer". Oh dear not a good start. So the results take a week to come back from the lab so i'll have to go back and see him to discuss the results. Basically if the count is below 5 there's no point in continuing with treatment, as it wont happen. I kind of want to know but i don't, as then it's final and no hope, but 'closure' i guess too.

The tone was pretty negative though. He explained that due to the radiation there is a higher risk of misscarriage and deformaties. He also said that there is by no means a guarantee the welsh health authority will fund any of it, in fact in his experience they tend to reject the funding. So if i didn't get the funding and wanted to continue with the process, i'd be looking at £5000 - 6000! I absolutely don't have access to that kind of money, it may aswell be 20 grand to me.

He also told me that if i get through all of those barriers, each egg has a 5% chance of becoming a baby! I didn't have a clue it was so low. He also explained that Liverpool hospital don't offer anything to do with the surrogacy side of things so the eggs would have to be transfered to Leeds Hospital and they would have to apply for separate funding to the welsh health authority for the surrogacy side of things, which would be even harder to secure funding for. (big sigh at this point).

He then went on to say that my sister isn't necessarily a surrogate match, there would be tests to do first. Firstly we'd have to be a compatible blood match which he said being siblings is probably likely. Then we'd have to have cytomegalovirus test, which is basically to test if one of us carry antibodies to a common virus. So for example, say i'd had the virus, my body would have developed antibodies to fight it, if my sister hadn't had it and was implanted with my egg, containing my antibodies, her immune system would attack the egg so therefore we wouldn't be a match. I wouldn't even have considered the possibility of us not being a match. I just naively thought if she was healthy we'd be fine. Also i was unaware that at the point of birth, despite the egg being mine, in the eyes of the law it would be my sister's so we would have to go through the adoption process, which wouldn't be a problem but my god a lot to take in!

So much i was unaware of! It feels so improbable at the moment. I cried all the way home from Liverpool! Like i said I think i've been in survival mode until now and the fertility issue has taken a back seat until yesterday. I think it finally hit me and i felt so sad that i would never carry or give birth and possibly never have my own child. I thought i'd dealt with all that but guess not. It was a tough day. I'm feeling pretty flat today, but and it is a big BUT i am so glad to still be here and i know i'll need to grieve for not being able to carry/give birth and move on, whatever will be will be. I'm ok really. I know there are other options such as adoption and like so many say, being a mother is more than giving birth but none of that seems to ease that flat feeling and that sense that i've been kicked in the stomach. I feel gutted. Sorry to go on and on! I know it's a looooong thread! I'd be very glad to hear from anyone but in particular anyone who may be further down th egg retrival route.

Thanks again for persevering with this thread and i hope i haven't upset anyone, i know it's a sensitive issue.

Love
Haf
xxx

[Golightlycat]

Big hugs to you honey. One of the reasons why I ruled out surrogacy for us was because the odds were not good for success (due to my age, the endo and a few other things), but also because I was worried that I'd cling on to hope too much.

I so hope it works out for you - and I'm so angry for you about the way you were treated (personally I think you should complain).

It's not going to be easy whatever happens, honey, but you know we are here for you. I so understand the heartache you're going through.

Things have gotten easier for us and now we're progressing with the adoption it feels better - it's not the way we had planned things, but it's still postitive.

Z xx

[Cocoharry]

Hi,

Wow, I'm not at the stage that you're at but your post has been an insight for me as this was a route that my husband and I were hoping to take one day. I too have had my ovaries moved up hoping that they will escape radio scatter but I had no idea about all of the obstacles to cross before you can actually have a successful surrogacy. I thought the biggest obstacle would be finding a surrogate but from what you've said, there are so many more other issues to overcome as well.

I finished my treatment in October last year but I've always had my fertility issues at the forefront of my mind, I can't help it as the whole thing devastates me. Recently I've been kind of thinking that adoption might be an 'easier' route to go down (although I know it won't be easy either) but I was still planning to look into the surrogacy thing first. I don't even know if my ovaries work yet but I'm getting hot flushes and have started taking HRT for now so I'm not hopeful really. I was thinking that I might have even considered donor eggs if I needed to just for my husband's sake more than mine but now I realise that there are so many other barriers than I thought.

I'm really sorry you are feeling so low about it, I completely understand and I hate that anyone has to face these issues. I know if it were me, I would have come out feeling down about it too because I had no idea either. I'd be interested to know how you get on if you decide to go any further at all.

Sending you lots of love
Rachel xx

[Haf]

I'm glad things are feeling more positive for you Zoe. I have considered adoption but i suppose in the back of my mind i worry about not feeling that it was my child, not having that bond. I'm not really a traditional maternal type, i confess I tend to think 'yuck' with a lot of kids . My mum is the type who says "all children are beautiful" but i don't really see things that way (oops i wish i did). I have to confess that there aren't really many children who i think 'ahh cute'. But i've always just thought, it'll be different with my own. So i guess the adoption route is a bit of worry. Hmm not really selling my mothering abilities here am i?!

Rachel, i'm sorry if i've given you such a negative view of things. I have since read some research and things sound more encouraging and positive but i guess they have to give you cold hard facts and perhaps the worst case scenario to prepare you for the road ahead. I suppose the key is to expect nothing (easier said than done) and just take each stage at a time. I will keep you updated.

xxx

[Golightlycat]

The adoption road is not an easy one - I'd always considered adoption alongside my own children which made it easier. But it is something that is hard to cope with and we've had some awful experiences along the way with some very rude and unsympathetic social workers. The council we are with are great and that makes it easier, but with our experiences and those of some of the people we've met it's a wonder that people adopt at all. But then you meet the social workers we're dealing with and it feels better. Some people we met have approached 13 councils before they were accepted.

And the fact that EVERY facet of your life is examined (including your fridge) and you have to give really personal details and information. Not only do you have to really really want it, you have to have nerves of steel. It brings up a lot of emotions. Some social workers with other councils were like the nurse you had - made very rude comments about why we were adopting.

The part that we are going through, the workshop stage, is interesting and very helpful. It helps us see what we have in the future more clearly and I do feel good about it, but last year I cried a lot as we tried to get a foot in the door.

But what I will say is this an adopted child is YOUR child, not biologically perhaps. But you are responsible for his/her life and upbringing. And to me, that's a very special thing.

Z

[Haf]

I do agree with you Zoe, adoption is a very special thing and I thought all along that is was a very real route i might take, now i just don't know. And like you said it's no easy option, so you have to be so absolutely sure. I suppose decisions like that take time. And coming to terms with some of the issues that cancer leaves you with is bloody hard and takes time too. It's awful that you've had to deal with some awful people along the way, when ultimately you're trying to do something worthwhile.

[VickyJ]

Hi Haf

My husband and I had tests last year to see if surrogacy would be an option for us, and I think the general conclusion was that it could be but I'm not certain (the dr didn't really say no but then didn't really say yes either, I guess they can't!!). I had blood tests once a week for 5 weeks to see if they could find if my ovaries had a 'cycle' as such, I too ended up with some lovely bruises, and I really didn't appreciate until then how being poked and prodded with treatment has effected me! I cried each time they had trouble finding a vein, it was like a double whammy, firstly for the fact I'd had chemo which had buggered up my veins then secondly that I had to even be there in the first place having the tests done because cancer had taken away our chance of having children naturally, I haven't found a situation yet that has reminded so harshly that I've had cancer and had all the treatment I had.
I don't know where you had your tests but mine were at a local private clinic (paid for my nhs!), being there really highlighted to me that's it's not just cancer that can take your chance of having children taken away from you, and I know through a work colleague how tough ivf is. Sometimes I can get into a self pitying mode and that certainly snapped me out of it.

Like you say there are soooooooooooo many factors that need to be right in order for it to be a success, and I think this is the reason we're moving away from the idea, but we needed to explore the possibility first so there we never any 'what if's'. We feel that we've been through so much already that we don't necessarily want to put ourselves through surrogacy, PLUS (a major plus really!!) we haven't got a surrogate (kind of vital really!!!) and although we could go to an agency we didn't want to go down that route.

We have been to 2 adoption information sessions (2 different councils) and to be totally honest I was more positive when I left them than when I left the dr's ref. surrogacy. It's such a different route but one I felt we could really pursue, no it's not necessarily as we had planned before cancer appeared in our lives and we know it's a very different challenge, but it felt like one we could face as a result of all the issues we had to deal with (and still do deal with) surrounding my cancer. I'm not sure the pre-cancer us would have been able to say that we were happy or able to persue adoption and all the issues surrounding it?!? There's nothing to say we'll be right for it now but I'd like to give it a go.

It's all such a very personal choice, reading back I don't think I've really offered any major words of wisdom here!! But I do know how you feel about the whole being overwhelmed by the process feeling, as you say the fertility issues kind of get shut away while you deal with the cancer and when you start dealing with them I think you're still thinking in the same manner you did before cancer came along so it takes time for all the feelings to surface and I think you just have to give yourself time for them to do that and keep talking to people around you about those feelings and you then come to your own natural conclusion on it all.

Ok waffle over, hope this has helped in some way, shape or form!!

Take care

Vicky xx

[Cocoharry]

Hi,

I'm glad that you've helped open my eyes to some of the issues surrounding surrogacy because as you say, it's much better going in to a situation and having some idea of what to expect. If you hadn't of shared your feelings then I would probably have come out of the same situation in the future and felt worse than what I probably will feel now knowing a bit more about it. It's all a big scary unknown at the minute but all I know is that my husband and I want to have a family and be parents and we are prepared to do what we can to realise that dream, its just unfortunate that we can't do it the normal way anymore. I wish you lots of luck and best wishes in whatever you decide to do though.

Love Rachel xx

[Haf]

Thanks Vicky and Rachel - only just spotted your feedback. Vicky- it certainly wasn't waffle, it sometimes helps to hear what other people are going through to get some perspective, some very wise words. I get my results next month on the egg count, so i'll let you know the outcome and the next stage. Thanks again girls.

Haf
xxx